Once it was God's own country !!

When I was a kid,or rather till I got married and became an NRI , we used to experience rain almost six months in Kerala,our state.I have always fallen in love with the rain,I love the nights with heavy rain,thunder and lightening..I never used to close my windows...in fact we never closed our windows. I still cherish how the rain drops used to touch my face by its visit through my windows,how the cold wind used to caress me,how the lightening used to share the laughter with me..and how the thunder used to shout at me for not sleeping....so blessed were we to experience all these..

My Pappa has planted lots of trees all over our land. In fact now a days we cant get enough of sun light even..because of the shades of trees. I guess from Pappa I got the love for the nature..Pappa never used to disturb any other creatures living along with us on the Earth.During summer we used to keep water in a clay pot,so that the birds can quench their thirst,and my summer vacations were spent by watching the birds,they even used to take a shower with that little amount of water we provide.And I still continue it here in Dubai,by keeping some water in my balcony and watching the birds here.

In school, I have been taught that we have 44 rivers across Kerala. We used to get Monsoon,we never had that hot summers,we had our own share of winter as well.What have we done with all these resources that God provided us? We had forests,lots of trees,Kerala was known for her greenery..now where all these have gone? Since when did we start to live life more of a consumer..we stopped cultivating,we deforested our forests..we dried our rivers,streams,we polluted our nature..and now we are paying off.And its sad that we didn't even develop to a metro still,even after losing so many things!!

Keralites only know to take a bath 2-3 times a day.We never used our resources.We cursed the rain which poured on us.We cut the trees for the landscaping beauty of our homes!! Still when it rains,we don't try to save some water for the coming summer..we all interlock or tile our courtyards,so that it looks neat and clean,we don't have to worry about the snakes and other creatures coming in our premises.But in between we forgot that along with all other creatures rain, the water resource underneath and the cool weather also left us.Now all we do is curse the ruling party for the delay of Monsoon,for the power cuts,for the drought too. Its easy to cut a tree,but it takes years to grow one.Only we can save our planet..don't cut our trees,grow more..and then the rain will come along,our children can experience the rain,can see the rivers and streams..remember this planet is not ours alone..it was of people who lived before,who are yet to come..and of the numerous animals ,flora and fauna and lots of other creatures' too...Its indeed beautiful..save it..preserve it..and cherish it.

Happy Birthday To Me :D

My favourite day of the year is here !!! And its my birthday :D Happy Birthday to me, myself and I .Its my favourite day of the year because,on that very day, am reminded how special I am,how loved I am and how cared I am..and it just means a lot when people takes time just to wish me :D Thank you all the lovely people out there :D...

Wake Up !!!

We met at my place.Though we were only Seven,we were seven strong,bold and determined women.All my six partners have lost their loved ones,except me..for me all those affected were my loved ones,whether she was 3 years old or 50 years old!!

I met each one of those ladies from different parts of the country.Six ladies spoke six different languages,believed in six different religious beliefs,did different rituals and customs..and what not..they differed in many things,but they united for one single cause.We did prove that we unite in diversity.We decided to kill some so called human beings who raped and killed our sisters.

The first lady,whom I met had lost her only daughter. Her daughter was 18 years old and was returning from college after her Arts day.And as every other women know,in our country its forbidden for a woman to go out after sun set,or else if you go out,may God protect you!! Her daughter was gang raped and is now at a mental asylum.The law and judiciary did a great job,they punished those bastards for 3 years!! And the victim is suffering for last 7 years!!

The second lady was a rape victim herself. Her own father couldn't control his sex drive and attacked his daughter who was 14 years old! I met her when she was running away from home.I could see the anger in her eyes,she wanted to kill her father and protect her younger sisters at least. I thought yeah why not..why should we waste our time when the law and order is not able to protect us and punish those animals.Even after 5 years her anger hasn't come down,I can see it in her eyes every time she looks in to my eyes. And how I wish those eyes could annihilate the cruel people who destroyed her beautiful world.

Then I met two sisters aged 25 and 28 whose mother was raped and killed by some neighbours who knew that she lives alone,after her husband passed away and her daughters got married.These ladies were happily married and has their own family,both has got kids.When I asked them do they need to do it they replied we lost our mother now don't wanna lose our kids and other sisters..we wanna show the world out there that we are not that helpless and weak,its high time that we should react and we have lost our faith in judiciary,who finds out the loop holes to rescue those animals.

The fifth one was a desperate,angry mother who lost her 3 and half years daughter.That little thing was raped by her own school bus driver and care taker! The 36 year old lady never cried when she lost her daughter,she said I have cried 10 long years after marriage till my daughter was born.This lady has been blessed with this baby girl after 10 long years of her married life,she has undergone all those questions,sympathies and procedures of infertility treatment,and I guess those 10 years made her strong enough.

I found the sixth one from a brothel.I went there for an interview with the sex workers.Every women out there were forced to do this for a living.And most of them were raped first by near and dear ones.Only this girl couldn't bury her anger and asked me whether I can help her to kill someone.I was startled by the sudden question.And I should say I didn't reply and left the place,but her eyes haunted me for weeks,I went back to the brothel and took her with me.This 21 year old girl is the reason we all united .

And the seventh one of the group is me.So far I haven't lost anyone,but I have faced so many vulgar comments and attacks from public transports and places.And when I reacted the whole world was against me,including the other women out there.There were women who always blamed the victims for every rape case.They say that these ladies did not dress well.I agree that when you show off it can attract men,but tell me how can we dress up a 3 year old nursery going girl so that she will be protected from some bastards (excuse my language). Its not a woman's only fault if a man cant control his emotions,if he cant, he cant be called a man again.I guess it will be an insult to the animals if we compare them to animals even.Animals wont attack their fellow beings without any reason.They do have emotional control far better than the so called human beings,who forgot how to be human.

So we seven hurt,angry desperate women decided to react,decided to fight back. We met each of those animals around us and killed them.We killed them ,however way we felt at the moment.But we never gave a single one of them an easy death. We made sure that they understood at least one tenth of our pain before they died. May be the judiciary will punish us,can give us capital punishment.No regrets..still we die a death of dignity.

So we invite all ladies out there who wanna fight back.Our group is still open,any of you can join..we are born strong..let them know it.And we wish this should be continued even if we are caught and punished. Be proud that you are a woman,and die a death of dignity.

 

Fading memories !!

Another year is here ! Still don't know whether all these calculations are right or wrong..whether 12 months is indeed a year or 30 days indeed a month!! Anyways its 2013,they say!!

I have been home,December 2012. For a short vacation,was present for a very close friend's wedding. Am glad that,I could be with her on her big day.Could meet some other friends,had a get together at Richa's..could experience lots and lots of love from every where!

This post is about my"Moothappa"( Father's elder brother). He is the eldest in my Papa's family,and he really gave a hand to all his younger siblings,he raised them up,made them study,made them all independent,in between all these he forgot to have a life of his own. He never had a house of his own! I have been told that,before I was born..there used to be a huge crowd to have lunch and all at our "Tharavadu". Almost all our family members are teachers,and all the kids studied in near by school. So all the "Kalarikkal family members" would come for lunch. Not a feast and all..rice,some green gram curry/Dal curry and pappad that's all. But Moothappa with his limited income managed to feed so many people.And the lady who managed to cook and serve so many people was our own "Ayichuttimma ". Her real name being Ayishakutty! She was called "Ayichutty' by elders or "Ayichuttyachi" by the younger generation. But my generation called her "Ayichuttimma" for she was indeed "umma" for us!

I still dont know how she is related to us. But she was indeed my "umma". I guess she understood me a lot. She looked after me since my birth,as my mom also was a teacher,she would leave me with her when she goes to school.Ayichuttimma would feed me,would bathe me,would make me sleep.I still remember her faint voice and the way she used to swing the cradle.She was a thin lady,we could count her chest bones.There was no grinder,no gas stoves,no water tanks nor motors to pump in the water,no washing machine nothing at all,still she managed to cook and serve so many people.She never complained,Ya Allah please reward her in her life after death for all her service. And please bless her daughter and family for all her good deeds done for us.

Ayichutti was the shadow of Moothappa. She served and looked after him than anyone else did.And I know there was a great relation between them,an incomparable love of siblings perhaps.

The post about Moothappa would be incomplete if I don't mention about Ayichuttimma,though she deserves a complete novel to be written about her!

So am gonna write down a few memories about my Moothappa. I don't know what was his profession,he used to work in 'Dayapuram' a residential school office in our area. Then he started working at Mukkam Orphanage office,he still works there. He used to visit all his siblings every Sunday.He used to bring "mittayis" wrapped in a news paper piece and tied to his dhoti.In our place,during "Diwali" all bakeries will display colourful delicious"Diwali sweets" and most of the shops at Mukkam used to gift a box of "Diwali sweets" to its regular customers.We Kozhikodans celebrate Diwali by distributing sweets,gifting it and sharing the sweets.So every year Moothappa will have a Diwali sweets box for his each siblings.Moothappa used to order those boxes at "National Bakery" the official bakery of Kalarikkal family,should say.Same with Christmas,Moothappa always bought a Christmas cake for us. He goes for morning walk and visits the siblings who live near by. He was the only link which kept the love between the siblings alive,should say. He used to be the first person to visit any one who is not well in the family,and he used to spread the news among the whole family.I remember,when my Papa's second younger brother was down with chickenpox,no one dared to visit him,but Moothappa visited him,taking some precautionary medicine.

When I was in school,only 3 were us there for lunch,me and my two cousin sisters and their youngest sister who started schooling some years after. So we were lucky enough to get"meen curries,unakka meen porichath( dryfish fry)", and some other dishes too! By dusk,Moothappa would be home,and we were privileged to sleep with him,on his "achippaya "and "kambili puthappu" was an added bonus. He used to narrate stories and before I would sleep,he used to sleep.The night stays at "tharavadu" always scared me,don't know why,its fun to be with cousins and neighbour hood friends but after the call for Maghreb prayer ,suddenly I would feel so insecure there. Those were the nights,I desperately waited for morning to come, and everyone else to wake up. Moothappa used to take us to the river bank near by,the river was not that scary,with crystal clear water and white sand on both sides,during monsoon there used to be "thoni" service. And Moothappa used to take us for a ride in it,then we would sit on the other side of the river,again he narrating some stories.He used to visit Kozhikode medical college,once in a while,though nobody would be there from our family or friends,he used to visit those general wards and tell us we will realize how lucky we are,when we see people there.He was indeed a great human being.

What made me write about Moothappa all of a sudden is that,he has grown old now,he still goes for morning walks,but he forgets people, names,the short cut roads etc. Moothumma and his children are worried about his safety,as he is well known in our native place,someone will drop him home,or will inform any of us about him.But still he gets in to the wrong buses and gets down at wrong bus stops and all.So now the family doesn't let him know about some relatives hospitalisation,sickness etc,and he is very upset about it.This time I went to meet him,first thing itself,as he will come home if he knows I have come and may miss the road or something.When he came home for lunch,Moothumma asked him"do you recognise her?" He said I know,her mom is just behind her,I guess he forgot what he used to call me,and then he asked me when did I come,where is Hubby and kids,my heart broke,he doesn't remember me even, but he mistook me as my sister,I said I don't have kids yet Moothappa then he laughed and said"why you have been married for a while" !!

When I visited Papa's younger brother,he was telling how Moothappa's memory is fading.Ayichuttimma's daughter's in laws came home to invite all of us for a wedding.And Moothappa couldn't recollect them,so he kept on asking everyone who came home to invite for the wedding and who is getting married and all.When everyone was fed up of explaining him the relation and all he still kept wondering who is getting married.When Aappa ( Papa's youngest brother) explained him that they came from Chavakkadu" to invite "Shihab's" wedding,he was like who is this Shihab,Aappa explained he is our 'Nasar's nephew, that surprised Moothappa,who is this Nasar,then again Aappa told our Jesi's husband,then Moothappa asked who is Jesi I dont remember her who is that,Aappa said "Jesi..our Ayichutti's daughter, brother.You don't remember Ayichutty and her daughter Jaseena,we all together got her married to Nasar ? " Then Moothappa replied "who is Ayichutty I don't remember a person called "Ayichutty"!! Aappa explained Moothappa everything about Ayichuttimma..and Moothappa kept on saying "I don't remember Ayichutty..there was one Ummacha,I remember her " Aappa narrated how Moothappa is getting old and losing memories.

When I went back home,I couldn't sleep. I was startled how someone can forget a person,who was once his shadow.I wont be surprised if he forgets me or any of his sibling's children. But Ayichuttimma..I couldn't bear the thought even.Next morning I spoke to Dada (my elder brother) about this,he told me it happens..Moothappa will remember current things and people around him but wont be remembering people who died some time back.Ayichuttimma died in 2004 so he might not remember people from his past!!

I was flying back on 26th Dec evening flight,and Moothappa came early morning to say "good bye". He hugged me tight,kept on kissing my forehead and cheeks and said,"pray for Moothappa,may be I wont be here when you come back next time".He left us,he was walking ahead slowly,the age has affected his speed.after sometime I couldn't see him,as my tears block my view.That was a person who used to be everything of a huge family,my Moothappa !! Allah bless you Moothappa..you will always be an epitome of how and what should be a sibling! Take care of him Ya Allah.!!

 

The Nights !!

I switched on my table lamp,looked at the clock its 2.15 am !! So, am sleepless again. I came out from the coziness of my blanket, I was feeling very thirsty drank some water from the glass jar kept on the side table.Now I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight also,just got up from my cot,went to the window just stood there..staring at the night.

The world is still lively. The street lights stood in silence spreading lights around. I have always felt what all these street lights might have seen,heard and understood.There are still many vehicles speeding on the roads..some may be coming back from pubs after a party,some may be returning home after duty,some going for their shifts..some may be returning from hospitals,airports and what not! Every one's story is different..though He created us as human beings..each one is totally different from another!

I am an independent woman..independent in all sense. I work in an airport,in fact in a very busy airport, where there are always people around,people with different languages,dialects,religion,cast,skin tones,hair styles,and the most strange thing is their reactions! Each person's reaction differs from  other's. And I guess that's what keep me going, or else I would be bored with my job long back. I am bored with my life..but Thank God..for the time being am not bored with my job. Each day brings some new experience..so its so far so good.

All I wanted was to be alone,when I was a kid !! I wanted to grow up fast,finish my studies get a job  and shift to an apartment of my own,drive my own car, spend my money..or in short I wanted to live my life , without compromising anything for anyone!! And I can say that I have succeeded in it. Now am 26, I live alone in an apartment,I drive my own car and I spend my money as I wish. There is no one to question me,there is no one to correct me,there is no one to guide me,to advise me,to quarrel with me..but above all there is no one to LOVE me!

How stupid !! I thought its fun to be alone,its great to be alone. I was so wrong..its scary to be alone. You wake up,you cook,you eat,you get ready and go for the job(Thank God,its not boring yet! ) ,do your job and come back. And then..I feel every single second..the time doesn't move at all..every minute is a torture..there is nothing to watch on T.V I hate all those stupid serials ,reality shows which doesn't have any reality at all in it! I hate all those stupid silly romantic movies..and my only passion remains music. I can go on and on..with some nice music.And then comes the night, which am scared of. I don't know whats wrong with me..the darkness around me scares me,I hate the silence and I hate people around me who all can sleep !!And that's why unlike my collegues I love night shifts. I close my eyes tight..but my ears are wide open,every single sound wakes me up.And I cant sleep !! I hug my pillow so tight,but unfortunately I know its just a pillow, as I don't have anyone to love, and I cant imagine it as someone!

 That's the time,when I am reminded of my mom. The warmth and love in her hug, the indescribable secure feeling I get when she hugs me. I never felt alone then, I had my Mom to protect me,I had my Dad to guide me,I had siblings to share the blanket with me..and those were indeed wonderful days.And now I don't have anyone!

To love,and to be loved is a great thing indeed. I realized it too late. And here I am left alone. Being alone is not great at all. Its not fun,He created us as social animals we are not alive ,if we are not living a life of others too.But once you are used to loneliness,it becomes your comfort zone and you don't enjoy being in a company.

 Now as I take a sip of my black tea, sitting in my arm chair..I suddenly felt am not alone. I have few guests over there in my balcony. My plants show that its spring and there are flowers all over there. And I got new guests!! And there comes few birds to enjoy the flowers..the scene is beautiful and its nice to watch these tiny little birds and other creatures who visit my balcony. But then..again am afraid of the summer !!

Love Happens !!

Tomorrow is my birthday !! And am not expecting any calls,cards,any single wish !! For only I remember its my birthday!! Now as I sit on my arm chair,listening to some favourite music, I cant even complain to anyone if they don't remember my birthday! The people around me don't even remember if they had breakfast or not !! And after all am gonna be sixty tomorrow,isn't it too much to celebrate your birthday !! Now its time for me to think about my funeral.

My daughter has come back from her work,tired and exhausted. Now she has to cook,make her kids do the homework,make them eat,serve her husband, keep things ready for tomorrow..and she has to get some rest too.Being a mother,a wife,an employee, a daughter..she is doing great! And am glad that her younger sister also does a good job being a woman !!

The sun is bidding bye for the day, or I should say the earth is rotating fast ?! Whatever it is,however it is..this corner of the world is ready to welcome the night. My daughter came to me,she talked to me,how busy and tiring her day was !! As usual she sat with me for some time,placed her head on my lap,while she kept on her chit chat. We all had dinner together,my grand kids came running,kissed my forehead and went to sleep,my son in law also was kind enough to ask me how was my day !! So the world is about to sleep, and like every other night,for last few years..am sleepless.

Night is the time,when my brain takes a road trip back to those wonderful times,when I used to be young,when I used to be beautiful and when most of them used to look at my life and comment she is damn lucky..she is having a fantastic life. Yeah my life was, in fact is still beautiful ! From A to Z I have been blessed with the best.

I couldn't sleep,so I just went out to my balcony,and was able to enjoy the beauty of moonlit night. Its indeed such a beautiful sight,to see the world sleeping when the full moon is spreading her beauty around.Night has a special beauty of its own. I am glad that these sleepless nights have given me so many beautiful sights,which the whole sleeping world is missing.

I wonder if there would be someone ,who is awake at this point of night,same as I do !! And I wish if only I could write down,the beauty of nights, of silence,of moon light,of stars, of many other nocturnal animals and birds..who share the nights with me!The best part of nights are that,we can be what we wanna be..there is no limelight on you,and people wont judge ,how you talk,how you walk,how you eat,how you dress up,how you smile even!Its the time,when the whole world rests and I go restless!! I felt like walking,its cold outside..its December..I can see the mist around,its windy too..I took my sweater and walked slowly to the main door.

Oh God..how I wish to wake up my dear ones and show the beauty of the night! Let them sleep now,let them take rest now,perhaps when they are at my age,they also could get to see the beauty of these sleepless nights.God has his own plans for each and every one of his children..and most of the time we cant understand why he does so many things..still I don't understand why He did so many things to me !!

I have read in many classics,novels,short stories,poems..that love is blind,it just happens..and when we fall in love,we don't care about anything else..we just fall..And its absolutely true,for I fell in love,when I was happily married already!I still don't know what made us fall in love with each other,may be mine was not love, I was trying to get away from my loneliness,was desperately in need of a friend,with whom I can talk,who has time for me..who can understand what exactly I mean..who can guide me,who can wipe away my tears,my fears and bring in joy!!And he really was !!

He was single,when we met . But he was in pain,he was hurt, he loved a girl so much but again for some reason,which God only knows it didn't work out.I still don't know how we were so close,so close that I could tell anything to him, I was..in fact I am, never so close to anyone other than him.I was so happy with my marriage,I was blessed with a handsome,caring,loving hubby,but still , I was missing something!! I didn't know  what all I have been missing till I met him !!

I was missing someone,who had time for me, who could pamper me,who could tease me,who could make me feel how much he loves me, who could change my worst day to my best day and sometimes a best day to a worst one! Whenever I felt am alone,I used to talk to him,most of the time we never discussed our problems..but he could understand why I was upset and he could change my mood.

And we both didn't know when we fell in love,how we could name that sweet relationship as love! He told me,that he is leaving,for he doesn't wanna ruin my married life, I asked him why,he said for he doesn't wanna put me in trouble,I asked but why..and he said because I love you !! I was surprised with that answer..not because he fell in love with a married lady..but how can someone leave just like that when he is in love!! I have seen many,who wanted their love in their lives..but he was different! He taught me,if you truly love someone,set him/her free..love him/her so much that only his/her happiness counts,not yours!!He was right,we can never be together..so better to leave..and love each other in silence,for in silence there is no rejection.But once..only once he told me" there is someone who loves you dearly,who is ready to spend his whole life with you..who would take good care of you..would you marry him? " I was amused and asked "who is that idiot who wants to marry an already married woman ?" trying to hide my laugh..he said ' I am talking about me only, please would you be mine? " I couldnt reply and he never demanded an answer..he knows me well than anyone else!!

Our relation still goes on..at times when he cant hold his feelings,he calls me,mails me or at least says a "hi"..and I know he has been missing me! And he knows I do miss him too.The way he talks when he is in pain is ridiculous..he gets angry,he acts too rude, and he never admits that he is angry,he is in pain or anything..he just shows his anger all over me !I never could understand why is he so rude,in the beginning..and we used to avoid each other after a fight..then slowly slowly I came to know why is he so..you love someone so dearly,you really wanna be with him/her..you are ready to spend your whole life with that someone..and you know really well ,you can never ever have her in your life..how badly it hurts..he might have been bleeding..and he showed only some part of it! Later on I could hear his heart breaking..we never spoke,we met hardly few times..but whenever we meet, he used to call me..and I know why. Very rarely he used to tell me ' you know what, I miss you" and I could only reply 'yeah I know..I do know " and he asks "how do you know?" And till date I could never answer him..I just know...

I do love my husband,am having a great life as well..happily married,well settled,have two beautiful daughters who are married and settled.Everything is fine..perfect..but still don't know why I still miss him and love him..God has reasons for everything He does..may be he has a reason for this game too..may be love happened to me,after I got married..His timing was not perfect..and He created me so, that I never listened to my heart..but  followed my brain..and left my love..or buried it alive!! He is married,got kids and a lovely wife..is having a beautiful life..but to my surprise still misses me ! Some times life is like that...you will be the luckiest and at the same time the unluckiest person on earth! so were we..!!we were able to find each other..love each other ,understand each other..but was unlucky to be with each other !! And we chose to love each other in silence!! Tonight also..I miss you !!

Its dawn..time for me to get in..my family will be waking up now..a new day has come! Grandchildren came running ,hugged me tight,kissed on my forehead and cheeks..said good morning. The magic of a hug/kiss is something else.Helped my daughter to prepare breakfast..we all had it together and they all went to start their day! And I sat on my arm chair again..with my life long passion music !! My phone rang..I picked up the call " Happy Birthday" that was the message..then there was silence..and our silence spoke thousand words..he asked "how are you?" I said "am fine..just miss you that's all " and he said " that's all ? my whole life is gone just missing you " and then there was silence again !!

That call made my day ! Its strange but true that whenever someone says they miss you,we smile !! Its because we know that someone loves us..and someone wish we were with them !! By evening my family came back, to my surprise my younger daughter and family also came along..they all showed up in my bed room with a birthday cake !! And I cut the cake..who knows next year I would !! After the chit chats,dinner and lots of love..they all went to sleep.

And again..the nights..me and him !!

 

Why ?!!!

Its been said that,you are here for a reason !! You are born for some reason..and I still cant find out,why the heck am I here on earth ! Still cant find out what's my role here !! Its been 26 years,and I dont think that I have done something here !May be God has something in mind..,and may be my part is yet to be done ! Whatever it is..I really want it to be done !!