Welcome,Emira !!

Hello,
Just peeped in to announce the arrival of our baby girl,Emira Nafeesa Rafeeque. Emira means princess, and she really is!! Nafeesa is her grandmother's name.She was born on 1st September 2013 at 12.12 pm UAE time. It was an elective cesarean as her heart beat was going up. She is three weeks pre mature and weighed less. Rest all fine,now am too busy being a mother. As now she is turning one month old ,we would like to thank each one of you for your prayers and wishes. Will post about "life after Emy is born" soon when am free, hope she would let me,sigh !! 

Gone beautiful days !!

Eid Mubarak !! Hope you all had a blessed Eid ul  Fitr. Though not an active Eid,my Eid also went good,or should I say it ended without creating much tensions. I had a false labor pain and some contractions on Tuesday night and was admitted for a day and got discharged on Wednesday evening. Needless to say, I was bloody scared,still not over it,though!

Eid is the time for family get together ,and for last 3 years, we have 10-15 guests at home for both Eid ul Fitr and Eid ul adha. Though the food preparations and all make you tired,it is fun. And on this Eid, as I am on strict bed rest, I did not cook, we ordered food from out and I was on bed the whole day. So had the whole day to remember my childhood Eid days, and I miss those days terribly.

As I hail from Calicut, and all our neighbours are Muslims we had great celebrations back home. And my Pappa's siblings live near by,so we cousins also had great fun.we would wait for the "takbirs" to begin from Masjids which declare that the moon has been sighted and its Eid the next day. And once its confirmed,me along with my neighbours who are of my same age, would pack the fitr sakat and distribute it in our neighbour hood. Then me,Pappa and my kunju ( my sister) would walk to Mukkam town, Pappa would be buying groceries,meat etc for Eid lunch and we will be at " tharavadu" ,where Ayichuttimma will be waiting for us with the freshly grinded henna. The henna leaves at tharavadu used to give very bright red colour. And we with our cousins would put mehendi cones on palms and Ayichuttimma's henna on nails. Then would return back with henna on our hands with takbirs on background. And on our way back we used to buy matching accessories for Eid dress also.

My Eid means my kunju. She was the one who used to put mehendi on my hands,she used to select my Eid dress and accessories and she used to wake me up on Eid day and she used to dress me up,and I always used to make her Eid bad by complaining about how her mehendi  design looks better than mine,and if her mehendi was more  brighter red,she used to keep it whole night and I would wash it before I go to bed,so obviously she got much better colour ! Though we quarrel every Eid mornings ,she used to take me to her friends' and then we would visit the neighbours and relatives around . Then would have lunch and by evening again will go to tharavadu, taste Ayichuttimma's parippu curry,neychor etc, then to Jameela teacher's ,umma's colleague and our family friend. The most difficult part was that we had to taste so many 'payasams' one single day.

In short,my Eid was spent around kunju. And I never had such beautiful Eid after her wedding. I still remember the first Eid without her,how I missed my kunju,I didn't put mehendi,kunju was not there to tie my hair, I didn't have her company to visit people on Eid. That Eid I cried a lot ! And I never celebrated Eid with the same happiness ever. Then I celebrated Eid again after my wedding, because I was back with kunju again in Dubai,and we used to celebrate it together. Though kunju never got time to put mehendi on my hands again,she used to remember every time she put it on her kids' coz just like me ,her elder daughter started to complain about the design! Now last two years kunju is home for Eid and my Eid is incomplete again! Kunjaa I miss you terribly. My Eid is incomplete without you!

The best gift I will ever have !!

It's said that"God always has the best in store for us". Many a time we might not get what we wished for or what we loved a lot,but I believe whatever God gives you will be the best for you.you may not understand it that time,though.

I have always believed in that. Even if its a simple thing which I wished for and didn't get,I used to believe ok it was not for me and I strongly believe if its meant for me it will be mine,and it will be the best I can ever have. And the best example with which God made me believe it is ,my husband.

I know no one can ever love me more than he does,no one can ever stand me than him,and no one can love me more each day than him. Ours is not a perfect marriage,we do have our own ups and downs,our own differences,our own personal preferences,possessiveness and we do fight ,and I should say its him ,who always comes back to me with a smile,how I wish I should end the fight once,but he ends it most of the time!

He can't tolerate if am in pain,he can't bear anything happening to me. Whenever we have hospital visits he is the most concerned. Last two times when we lost our child,he was sad of course but he was more worried how I will face the loss. If I tell him I am having headache,I can see his face expression change,he will ask me why is it so? Is there any problem ? Do we need to go hospital etc, at times  I do get irritated when he asks me why, as if I know the reason!! And it's true that I have become more bold and stronger because of him,cause if any problem comes he gets tensed and will be worried so I started to hide my emotions most of the time. Last year when we lost our daughter Eva, I tried my best not to cry in front of him, I spent my nights in tears,and cried out in shower. He was also trying his best to make me happy and not to remind me of anything. I used to check many pregnancy related websites and had subscribed to one,they used to send me weekly news letters, once we lost our daughter and I came back home,and I was taking rest,the first thing he did was to log in my mail and unsubscribe it,so that I won't be reminded about it every week! After all who else knows how I used to wait for that news letter every week to read about our baby's development.

When I first met him,on a cousin's wedding I had no idea what God had in store for us. I was very rude to him,cause at that particular time ,I hated all men out there whoever proposed me .I was engaged to someone else,when I was sixteen and I broke the engagement within one year,as I knew its never gonna work between us,may be cause I was so immature that I was not ready for a compromise ,had I been a little older I might be adjusting with him now!  When I broke the engagement the whole world around me was against me,they all believed that I won't get another good alliance ,I was least bothered about it. But now I know that was the best decision I ever took,and that was because Allah had the best ever gift in store for me!

Now I know why Allah didn't bless us with a kid for last seven years of marriage. It was to show me how my husband loves me,how he will be there for me always,how we can live without having a child and having a loving husband alone. He took my two kids again to show me how concerned and caring my hubby is,how lucky I am to have him and Allah was making sure that we have our kids waiting in heaven for us. Alhamdulillah ,Allah I can't ask for anything more. What else would I need,other than my husband being with me on earth and here after,in sha Allah! Please bless him with health and please let us live longer together.Please do keep our love,respect,and trust in each other alive and do bless us to be partners in heaven too..aameen!

Helplessness

I am someone who loves to do everything on my own,very particular about how things should be at home or at work. A typical Taurean,who is happy with the routine chores,I don't like sudden changes in life! I love my home and surroundings to be clean and neat,and am mostly satisfied if I do it my own! I need things exactly where I kept ! Everything messy irritates me!

And now what happened is that am on complete bed rest,only permitted to use the washroom and to eat on my dining table! If you have read my earlier posts,you should know how I have lost two kids already and the stress of infertility treatment. So now Alhamdulillah by God's grace am pregnant again,for the third time. And this time also,the baby is not so willing to come out without making some complications! So last week I was hospitalized on emergency had my cervical cerclage done and now am on complete bed rest! Always made to lay on my bed in head low position! And you should appreciate that I still manage to type in :p it's in fact pure boredom which made me post a blog.

My Mom rushed to Dubai,leaving Papa,my bro and everything else, when she heard that am hospitalized. She is not in her prime,actually now I should look after her! But helplessness at its peak, Umma is here to take care of me for a month,then she have to fly back once her visit visa is over!
And I will need someone else rest of my pregnancy,now am on my 23 rd week only, still a long way to go...but Thank God am half way through it.

So now I know how exactly people who are bed ridden might be feeling,what all emotional stages they might be undergoing! When you can't do things your own,when you don't have control over things that's going on you will be irritated,you might get angry over very small things,and finally you will be sad,will be desperate over your helplessness!! You will start to ignore things,which in normal case you can't even tolerate. That's how life and God teach us how at times we all are helpless..I know and agree that when God decides on somethings we all are helpless but am talking about the minute daily chores which we used to do and can't do for some time or anymore!! For example first 2days after the procedure I couldn't even brush my teeth,I was not allowed to take a bath and I was all sweating and itchy with the summer going on here!!

So now here I am in my bed room,just lying on my bed,ignoring the small world around me and hoping for a much better,bigger world with my little one,In Sha Allah !! Do pray for us :)

Once it was God's own country !!

When I was a kid,or rather till I got married and became an NRI , we used to experience rain almost six months in Kerala,our state.I have always fallen in love with the rain,I love the nights with heavy rain,thunder and lightening..I never used to close my windows...in fact we never closed our windows. I still cherish how the rain drops used to touch my face by its visit through my windows,how the cold wind used to caress me,how the lightening used to share the laughter with me..and how the thunder used to shout at me for not sleeping....so blessed were we to experience all these..

My Pappa has planted lots of trees all over our land. In fact now a days we cant get enough of sun light even..because of the shades of trees. I guess from Pappa I got the love for the nature..Pappa never used to disturb any other creatures living along with us on the Earth.During summer we used to keep water in a clay pot,so that the birds can quench their thirst,and my summer vacations were spent by watching the birds,they even used to take a shower with that little amount of water we provide.And I still continue it here in Dubai,by keeping some water in my balcony and watching the birds here.

In school, I have been taught that we have 44 rivers across Kerala. We used to get Monsoon,we never had that hot summers,we had our own share of winter as well.What have we done with all these resources that God provided us? We had forests,lots of trees,Kerala was known for her greenery..now where all these have gone? Since when did we start to live life more of a consumer..we stopped cultivating,we deforested our forests..we dried our rivers,streams,we polluted our nature..and now we are paying off.And its sad that we didn't even develop to a metro still,even after losing so many things!!

Keralites only know to take a bath 2-3 times a day.We never used our resources.We cursed the rain which poured on us.We cut the trees for the landscaping beauty of our homes!! Still when it rains,we don't try to save some water for the coming summer..we all interlock or tile our courtyards,so that it looks neat and clean,we don't have to worry about the snakes and other creatures coming in our premises.But in between we forgot that along with all other creatures rain, the water resource underneath and the cool weather also left us.Now all we do is curse the ruling party for the delay of Monsoon,for the power cuts,for the drought too. Its easy to cut a tree,but it takes years to grow one.Only we can save our planet..don't cut our trees,grow more..and then the rain will come along,our children can experience the rain,can see the rivers and streams..remember this planet is not ours alone..it was of people who lived before,who are yet to come..and of the numerous animals ,flora and fauna and lots of other creatures' too...Its indeed beautiful..save it..preserve it..and cherish it.

Happy Birthday To Me :D

My favourite day of the year is here !!! And its my birthday :D Happy Birthday to me, myself and I .Its my favourite day of the year because,on that very day, am reminded how special I am,how loved I am and how cared I am..and it just means a lot when people takes time just to wish me :D Thank you all the lovely people out there :D...

Wake Up !!!

We met at my place.Though we were only Seven,we were seven strong,bold and determined women.All my six partners have lost their loved ones,except me..for me all those affected were my loved ones,whether she was 3 years old or 50 years old!!

I met each one of those ladies from different parts of the country.Six ladies spoke six different languages,believed in six different religious beliefs,did different rituals and customs..and what not..they differed in many things,but they united for one single cause.We did prove that we unite in diversity.We decided to kill some so called human beings who raped and killed our sisters.

The first lady,whom I met had lost her only daughter. Her daughter was 18 years old and was returning from college after her Arts day.And as every other women know,in our country its forbidden for a woman to go out after sun set,or else if you go out,may God protect you!! Her daughter was gang raped and is now at a mental asylum.The law and judiciary did a great job,they punished those bastards for 3 years!! And the victim is suffering for last 7 years!!

The second lady was a rape victim herself. Her own father couldn't control his sex drive and attacked his daughter who was 14 years old! I met her when she was running away from home.I could see the anger in her eyes,she wanted to kill her father and protect her younger sisters at least. I thought yeah why not..why should we waste our time when the law and order is not able to protect us and punish those animals.Even after 5 years her anger hasn't come down,I can see it in her eyes every time she looks in to my eyes. And how I wish those eyes could annihilate the cruel people who destroyed her beautiful world.

Then I met two sisters aged 25 and 28 whose mother was raped and killed by some neighbours who knew that she lives alone,after her husband passed away and her daughters got married.These ladies were happily married and has their own family,both has got kids.When I asked them do they need to do it they replied we lost our mother now don't wanna lose our kids and other sisters..we wanna show the world out there that we are not that helpless and weak,its high time that we should react and we have lost our faith in judiciary,who finds out the loop holes to rescue those animals.

The fifth one was a desperate,angry mother who lost her 3 and half years daughter.That little thing was raped by her own school bus driver and care taker! The 36 year old lady never cried when she lost her daughter,she said I have cried 10 long years after marriage till my daughter was born.This lady has been blessed with this baby girl after 10 long years of her married life,she has undergone all those questions,sympathies and procedures of infertility treatment,and I guess those 10 years made her strong enough.

I found the sixth one from a brothel.I went there for an interview with the sex workers.Every women out there were forced to do this for a living.And most of them were raped first by near and dear ones.Only this girl couldn't bury her anger and asked me whether I can help her to kill someone.I was startled by the sudden question.And I should say I didn't reply and left the place,but her eyes haunted me for weeks,I went back to the brothel and took her with me.This 21 year old girl is the reason we all united .

And the seventh one of the group is me.So far I haven't lost anyone,but I have faced so many vulgar comments and attacks from public transports and places.And when I reacted the whole world was against me,including the other women out there.There were women who always blamed the victims for every rape case.They say that these ladies did not dress well.I agree that when you show off it can attract men,but tell me how can we dress up a 3 year old nursery going girl so that she will be protected from some bastards (excuse my language). Its not a woman's only fault if a man cant control his emotions,if he cant, he cant be called a man again.I guess it will be an insult to the animals if we compare them to animals even.Animals wont attack their fellow beings without any reason.They do have emotional control far better than the so called human beings,who forgot how to be human.

So we seven hurt,angry desperate women decided to react,decided to fight back. We met each of those animals around us and killed them.We killed them ,however way we felt at the moment.But we never gave a single one of them an easy death. We made sure that they understood at least one tenth of our pain before they died. May be the judiciary will punish us,can give us capital punishment.No regrets..still we die a death of dignity.

So we invite all ladies out there who wanna fight back.Our group is still open,any of you can join..we are born strong..let them know it.And we wish this should be continued even if we are caught and punished. Be proud that you are a woman,and die a death of dignity.

 

Fading memories !!

Another year is here ! Still don't know whether all these calculations are right or wrong..whether 12 months is indeed a year or 30 days indeed a month!! Anyways its 2013,they say!!

I have been home,December 2012. For a short vacation,was present for a very close friend's wedding. Am glad that,I could be with her on her big day.Could meet some other friends,had a get together at Richa's..could experience lots and lots of love from every where!

This post is about my"Moothappa"( Father's elder brother). He is the eldest in my Papa's family,and he really gave a hand to all his younger siblings,he raised them up,made them study,made them all independent,in between all these he forgot to have a life of his own. He never had a house of his own! I have been told that,before I was born..there used to be a huge crowd to have lunch and all at our "Tharavadu". Almost all our family members are teachers,and all the kids studied in near by school. So all the "Kalarikkal family members" would come for lunch. Not a feast and all..rice,some green gram curry/Dal curry and pappad that's all. But Moothappa with his limited income managed to feed so many people.And the lady who managed to cook and serve so many people was our own "Ayichuttimma ". Her real name being Ayishakutty! She was called "Ayichutty' by elders or "Ayichuttyachi" by the younger generation. But my generation called her "Ayichuttimma" for she was indeed "umma" for us!

I still dont know how she is related to us. But she was indeed my "umma". I guess she understood me a lot. She looked after me since my birth,as my mom also was a teacher,she would leave me with her when she goes to school.Ayichuttimma would feed me,would bathe me,would make me sleep.I still remember her faint voice and the way she used to swing the cradle.She was a thin lady,we could count her chest bones.There was no grinder,no gas stoves,no water tanks nor motors to pump in the water,no washing machine nothing at all,still she managed to cook and serve so many people.She never complained,Ya Allah please reward her in her life after death for all her service. And please bless her daughter and family for all her good deeds done for us.

Ayichutti was the shadow of Moothappa. She served and looked after him than anyone else did.And I know there was a great relation between them,an incomparable love of siblings perhaps.

The post about Moothappa would be incomplete if I don't mention about Ayichuttimma,though she deserves a complete novel to be written about her!

So am gonna write down a few memories about my Moothappa. I don't know what was his profession,he used to work in 'Dayapuram' a residential school office in our area. Then he started working at Mukkam Orphanage office,he still works there. He used to visit all his siblings every Sunday.He used to bring "mittayis" wrapped in a news paper piece and tied to his dhoti.In our place,during "Diwali" all bakeries will display colourful delicious"Diwali sweets" and most of the shops at Mukkam used to gift a box of "Diwali sweets" to its regular customers.We Kozhikodans celebrate Diwali by distributing sweets,gifting it and sharing the sweets.So every year Moothappa will have a Diwali sweets box for his each siblings.Moothappa used to order those boxes at "National Bakery" the official bakery of Kalarikkal family,should say.Same with Christmas,Moothappa always bought a Christmas cake for us. He goes for morning walk and visits the siblings who live near by. He was the only link which kept the love between the siblings alive,should say. He used to be the first person to visit any one who is not well in the family,and he used to spread the news among the whole family.I remember,when my Papa's second younger brother was down with chickenpox,no one dared to visit him,but Moothappa visited him,taking some precautionary medicine.

When I was in school,only 3 were us there for lunch,me and my two cousin sisters and their youngest sister who started schooling some years after. So we were lucky enough to get"meen curries,unakka meen porichath( dryfish fry)", and some other dishes too! By dusk,Moothappa would be home,and we were privileged to sleep with him,on his "achippaya "and "kambili puthappu" was an added bonus. He used to narrate stories and before I would sleep,he used to sleep.The night stays at "tharavadu" always scared me,don't know why,its fun to be with cousins and neighbour hood friends but after the call for Maghreb prayer ,suddenly I would feel so insecure there. Those were the nights,I desperately waited for morning to come, and everyone else to wake up. Moothappa used to take us to the river bank near by,the river was not that scary,with crystal clear water and white sand on both sides,during monsoon there used to be "thoni" service. And Moothappa used to take us for a ride in it,then we would sit on the other side of the river,again he narrating some stories.He used to visit Kozhikode medical college,once in a while,though nobody would be there from our family or friends,he used to visit those general wards and tell us we will realize how lucky we are,when we see people there.He was indeed a great human being.

What made me write about Moothappa all of a sudden is that,he has grown old now,he still goes for morning walks,but he forgets people, names,the short cut roads etc. Moothumma and his children are worried about his safety,as he is well known in our native place,someone will drop him home,or will inform any of us about him.But still he gets in to the wrong buses and gets down at wrong bus stops and all.So now the family doesn't let him know about some relatives hospitalisation,sickness etc,and he is very upset about it.This time I went to meet him,first thing itself,as he will come home if he knows I have come and may miss the road or something.When he came home for lunch,Moothumma asked him"do you recognise her?" He said I know,her mom is just behind her,I guess he forgot what he used to call me,and then he asked me when did I come,where is Hubby and kids,my heart broke,he doesn't remember me even, but he mistook me as my sister,I said I don't have kids yet Moothappa then he laughed and said"why you have been married for a while" !!

When I visited Papa's younger brother,he was telling how Moothappa's memory is fading.Ayichuttimma's daughter's in laws came home to invite all of us for a wedding.And Moothappa couldn't recollect them,so he kept on asking everyone who came home to invite for the wedding and who is getting married and all.When everyone was fed up of explaining him the relation and all he still kept wondering who is getting married.When Aappa ( Papa's youngest brother) explained him that they came from Chavakkadu" to invite "Shihab's" wedding,he was like who is this Shihab,Aappa explained he is our 'Nasar's nephew, that surprised Moothappa,who is this Nasar,then again Aappa told our Jesi's husband,then Moothappa asked who is Jesi I dont remember her who is that,Aappa said "Jesi..our Ayichutti's daughter, brother.You don't remember Ayichutty and her daughter Jaseena,we all together got her married to Nasar ? " Then Moothappa replied "who is Ayichutty I don't remember a person called "Ayichutty"!! Aappa explained Moothappa everything about Ayichuttimma..and Moothappa kept on saying "I don't remember Ayichutty..there was one Ummacha,I remember her " Aappa narrated how Moothappa is getting old and losing memories.

When I went back home,I couldn't sleep. I was startled how someone can forget a person,who was once his shadow.I wont be surprised if he forgets me or any of his sibling's children. But Ayichuttimma..I couldn't bear the thought even.Next morning I spoke to Dada (my elder brother) about this,he told me it happens..Moothappa will remember current things and people around him but wont be remembering people who died some time back.Ayichuttimma died in 2004 so he might not remember people from his past!!

I was flying back on 26th Dec evening flight,and Moothappa came early morning to say "good bye". He hugged me tight,kept on kissing my forehead and cheeks and said,"pray for Moothappa,may be I wont be here when you come back next time".He left us,he was walking ahead slowly,the age has affected his speed.after sometime I couldn't see him,as my tears block my view.That was a person who used to be everything of a huge family,my Moothappa !! Allah bless you Moothappa..you will always be an epitome of how and what should be a sibling! Take care of him Ya Allah.!!