Its been said that,you are here for a reason !! You are born for some reason..and I still cant find out,why the heck am I here on earth ! Still cant find out what's my role here !! Its been 26 years,and I dont think that I have done something here !May be God has something in mind..,and may be my part is yet to be done ! Whatever it is..I really want it to be done !!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Finaly Back In Action !! Phew :)
The title doesn't mean that am back in action with my blog..in fact it can mean that too..but it actually means am back in track with my life !
For last two years I was not living my life, I guess ! I became an Emarati,back in 2006.Though I didn't like the fast moving life here in the beginning, very fast I also started enjoying the "mind your own business" attitude and life here !! And to be very honest,that's what I like most about the city..nobody is bothered about what the hell others do and how they live here ! I was busy with the job I had in SCB, was learning slowly the politics out there,you cant go a long way,if you are too honest and sincere, you have to please many,to get your rights..and all these corporate laws was new to me as a fresher ! Anyways I really enjoyed my professional life,I had a very good circle of friends as well..some of them still do keep in touch !
I was settling down,and was very happy with my life here,and then Hubby got a better offer in Saudi,and we moved out of Dubai, in 2008. And we were out of Dubai,for 2 years..and came back in 2010 April. And those two years we spend in Saudi,and Kerala made us realize how happy we were here, and how badly we missed Dubai and our loved ones here! So obviously we were very glad to be back !!
And in 2010 ,I started living someone Else's life!! I was not me anymore. I was sitting idle at home..a full time house wife. The only time pass was facebook! I spend my whole day adding more friends,uploading pics,and chatting! I think I should write another blog with the title facebook and me!! The facebook life taught me many things..first of all the fact that where ever you go and live,the so called friends,relatives etc would be the same!! The people around would be more interested in your life than theirs'. As many other women sitting idle at home,I also got a "full time on facebook" title! My question to those is that if you are not full time on facebook how would you know that I am? ! And I realized that being full time online is not the issue,the problem is that "Am a woman" men can do whatever they want,and as they please..but women cant !!
And very late I realized when I was chatting,the people on the other side was flirting ! And I got another title as " desperate,house wife who is ready to flirt".When I was making friends,people were socializing..and I never knew how to socialize! So the whole problem was being too honest and innocent.
I never used to talk about others,my policy was if you don't have anything good to tell about someone,keep your mouth shut! And I don't comment about any one's character unless and until I know them personally,I don't judge anyone from someone Else's point of view,for I am not the same with everyone, very few know the real me,and very few love me the way I am.
Then I met a group of people,who turned my life up side down,and very late after two years,now I realize they are not my type of people or friends at all. For me friends are people who take you the way you are,who are not bothered about how you look,how you dress,how is your hair style,how beautiful is your features etc..I think when you love someone truly,all these factors doesn't even count,for me everyone ,I love is beautiful..every features of them is adorable..I don't even notice if their skin is awesome,if their eyes are sparkling,if they are wearing a branded outfit,or if they are wearing the same piece of cloth every time I see them even !!
Suddenly for the first time in my life,I was discussed about!how I look,how old I look,how big is my face,how bad I dress up etc etc..may be people used to discuss about all these earlier as well,but it was for the first time that I was informed about it as well !! And I felt it very bad,I started feeling uncomfortable with those people around,I was becoming very conscious how I walk even!! I started thinking,oh there is something wrong with me,I changed the way I look,I cut my hair,I changed the way I dress..in short I started feeling so inferior!! And the worst part was that these people kept on telling me how awesome my hubby is,that I know better than anyone in the whole world,its me who is living with him for the last 6 years !! I was very happy to listen to those praises for him in the beginning,but soon I got upset,the inferiority complex in me was reaching its maximum limits..I started to think over it,as I don't have any job at all, I thought and thought,so that means my hubby deserves someone far better,I am not enough for him,am not a good wife,after all I haven't given him a kid even,and my insecurity made me someone else,I started doubting on him,with every woman he met.I got jealous,desperate and angry if he talks with a woman,if any woman calls him,if any woman compliments him.in short I lost my sleep,my peace of mind and my confidence and I was losing my simple,beautiful life as well !!
And now I also started noticing people's outfits, looks,hair style,accessories etc !! Last day I talked to my hubby about all these stupid feelings I was going through,the very comment from him made my day! He told me don't even care about all those people,just ignore them. You are beautiful more than anyone,in my eyes..and they all don't even know how blessed I am to have you as mine, and they all don't even deserve to be even compared with you..all I need is you..so leave them behind..and be mine forever!!
So,now I am back on track,am beautiful in my own way,and all those wonderful people around me whom I love,who matters, are beautiful as well..those who don't love me,get lost..I don't give it a damn!! Accept me for what I am,who I am..or else please leave..!!
And there are people who tried to convince me that I am good as well !! Thank you ,and love you for what you did!
For last two years I was not living my life, I guess ! I became an Emarati,back in 2006.Though I didn't like the fast moving life here in the beginning, very fast I also started enjoying the "mind your own business" attitude and life here !! And to be very honest,that's what I like most about the city..nobody is bothered about what the hell others do and how they live here ! I was busy with the job I had in SCB, was learning slowly the politics out there,you cant go a long way,if you are too honest and sincere, you have to please many,to get your rights..and all these corporate laws was new to me as a fresher ! Anyways I really enjoyed my professional life,I had a very good circle of friends as well..some of them still do keep in touch !
I was settling down,and was very happy with my life here,and then Hubby got a better offer in Saudi,and we moved out of Dubai, in 2008. And we were out of Dubai,for 2 years..and came back in 2010 April. And those two years we spend in Saudi,and Kerala made us realize how happy we were here, and how badly we missed Dubai and our loved ones here! So obviously we were very glad to be back !!
And in 2010 ,I started living someone Else's life!! I was not me anymore. I was sitting idle at home..a full time house wife. The only time pass was facebook! I spend my whole day adding more friends,uploading pics,and chatting! I think I should write another blog with the title facebook and me!! The facebook life taught me many things..first of all the fact that where ever you go and live,the so called friends,relatives etc would be the same!! The people around would be more interested in your life than theirs'. As many other women sitting idle at home,I also got a "full time on facebook" title! My question to those is that if you are not full time on facebook how would you know that I am? ! And I realized that being full time online is not the issue,the problem is that "Am a woman" men can do whatever they want,and as they please..but women cant !!
And very late I realized when I was chatting,the people on the other side was flirting ! And I got another title as " desperate,house wife who is ready to flirt".When I was making friends,people were socializing..and I never knew how to socialize! So the whole problem was being too honest and innocent.
I never used to talk about others,my policy was if you don't have anything good to tell about someone,keep your mouth shut! And I don't comment about any one's character unless and until I know them personally,I don't judge anyone from someone Else's point of view,for I am not the same with everyone, very few know the real me,and very few love me the way I am.
Then I met a group of people,who turned my life up side down,and very late after two years,now I realize they are not my type of people or friends at all. For me friends are people who take you the way you are,who are not bothered about how you look,how you dress,how is your hair style,how beautiful is your features etc..I think when you love someone truly,all these factors doesn't even count,for me everyone ,I love is beautiful..every features of them is adorable..I don't even notice if their skin is awesome,if their eyes are sparkling,if they are wearing a branded outfit,or if they are wearing the same piece of cloth every time I see them even !!
Suddenly for the first time in my life,I was discussed about!how I look,how old I look,how big is my face,how bad I dress up etc etc..may be people used to discuss about all these earlier as well,but it was for the first time that I was informed about it as well !! And I felt it very bad,I started feeling uncomfortable with those people around,I was becoming very conscious how I walk even!! I started thinking,oh there is something wrong with me,I changed the way I look,I cut my hair,I changed the way I dress..in short I started feeling so inferior!! And the worst part was that these people kept on telling me how awesome my hubby is,that I know better than anyone in the whole world,its me who is living with him for the last 6 years !! I was very happy to listen to those praises for him in the beginning,but soon I got upset,the inferiority complex in me was reaching its maximum limits..I started to think over it,as I don't have any job at all, I thought and thought,so that means my hubby deserves someone far better,I am not enough for him,am not a good wife,after all I haven't given him a kid even,and my insecurity made me someone else,I started doubting on him,with every woman he met.I got jealous,desperate and angry if he talks with a woman,if any woman calls him,if any woman compliments him.in short I lost my sleep,my peace of mind and my confidence and I was losing my simple,beautiful life as well !!
And now I also started noticing people's outfits, looks,hair style,accessories etc !! Last day I talked to my hubby about all these stupid feelings I was going through,the very comment from him made my day! He told me don't even care about all those people,just ignore them. You are beautiful more than anyone,in my eyes..and they all don't even know how blessed I am to have you as mine, and they all don't even deserve to be even compared with you..all I need is you..so leave them behind..and be mine forever!!
So,now I am back on track,am beautiful in my own way,and all those wonderful people around me whom I love,who matters, are beautiful as well..those who don't love me,get lost..I don't give it a damn!! Accept me for what I am,who I am..or else please leave..!!
And there are people who tried to convince me that I am good as well !! Thank you ,and love you for what you did!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
From A Father's Point of view !!
We all talk about "mother's love" always..how she carries her baby in her womb for 40 weeks, how she deals with the nausea,morning sickness, body aches etc etc then finally how she bears the labor pain and delivers the baby etc.Yeah its all true,being a mother is not that easy..you have to go through so many pains,so much uneasiness..but you wont feel it so unbearable for its all for your kid. You will be ready to do anything for your kid..you will be ready to bear anything,and you will be ready to sacrifice anything..
So is a Father !! I have seen my Pappa,who was, in fact is willing to do anything for our happiness,for our well being and for our bright future.When my parents got to know that I was being admitted in the hospital , my Umma told me how they were shattered. Umma was crying and didnt wake up from her bed,but Pappa was crying too,he told Umma that he had a dream few days back when he was having a nap after his Subhi prayer, a cute,beautiful baby girl came running to him,sat on his lap,gave him kisses on both his cheek and ran away..he called out for her to stop..but she didnt,and he was telling Umma that may be Allah was showing him my baby in his dreams for He has decided to call her back.So I dont agree that a mother loves her kids more than a father does. My Pappa got a sixth sense that I am gonna lose my baby and he was crying too..when a man cries for someone it means he loves that person alot. Its true that a mother does give us her whole body for us to be born..but my point is,so does a father. Its from him,we are born, and I have seen the change in my hubby when he came to know that he is gonna be a father. He does everything he can do for me.He used to do lots of grocery shopping ,to make me eat healthy,he used to buy me maternity cloths so that I can be comfortable,he used to cook for me( which he never does in life,if I am OK ) when I was having nausea,morning sickness etc. He even used to clean the bathroom,after I am done with my morning sickness,vomiting etc. The moment I tell him about my cravings,he was ready to take me out to have that food,or to buy parcels for me.In fact his main worry was that I didn't have any cravings at all :P When I was having back pain,he was at service,with a hot bag and "moov" .All the above mentioned deeds he wont do otherwise. So its all for his child in fact.
And,finally when I was admitted in the hospital,with pre mature labor pain and contractions, I have seen the pain in his eyes..though I still cant make it out,if that pain was for me or his unborn child. I have seen his tension,I could hear his heart beat,and I could read all his worries,pain from his face. Later on when we were sure that we cant have the baby,he was more tensed,worried,about my well being,he was worried how I will face the truth,how I will react when I come to know that I cant have my baby.He also was there,when everyday I used to browse through those pregnancy-maternity web pages,when I used to check my tummy in the mirror,when I used to search those innumerable sites for baby names,and he also used to place his head on my tummy to hear his baby's heart beat or feel the movements.So he was part of it all..we were together when I was having ultrasound scans and we used to look at the screen with unexplainable pleasure to see our baby moving,kicking..and I still remember seeing the proud and happy father inside him,when I was having an ultra sound and our baby was folding her hands together,then scratching her head and ears..he was so happy to see his baby..so was I..
So for me,when I think about my daughter,only that ultra sound comes to my mind..for I haven't seen her after birth. But he has seen her,he has taken her in his arms,and he was present to bury her..so it would be more difficult for him to forget her.And in between all his pain and pressure he was asked to be strong only because he is a father,and to support me,only because I am a mother..and the whole world thinks that it hurts me more..and I don't think so..may be he was more in pain than me..he was in pain being a father and a husband..where as I was only a mother.He has to bury all his pain as a father and to look after me,had to support me..he sat with me holding my hand in his hands..keeping on kissing my hand..his eyes were red,the thing is that I never cried ,for I know he is dying to see a smile on my face..or at least not to see a tear in my eyes..so how can I ever hurt him..and when we were back at home,after delivery...he was sitting alone in the living room,trying hard to control his tears..my heart broke when I saw him..I still believe that the whole world was so rude to him..everyone was around me,consoling me..what about him..its not only my loss..he also lost..and he lost his wife also for a time being..and still no one understood him..I could..and I asked him to cry out..I told him..cry..cry it out..am here to support you..for I am more of a wife than a mother.And he cried..like a kid..and all I could do was to hug him and to cry with him..after its only us who lost !!
So is a Father !! I have seen my Pappa,who was, in fact is willing to do anything for our happiness,for our well being and for our bright future.When my parents got to know that I was being admitted in the hospital , my Umma told me how they were shattered. Umma was crying and didnt wake up from her bed,but Pappa was crying too,he told Umma that he had a dream few days back when he was having a nap after his Subhi prayer, a cute,beautiful baby girl came running to him,sat on his lap,gave him kisses on both his cheek and ran away..he called out for her to stop..but she didnt,and he was telling Umma that may be Allah was showing him my baby in his dreams for He has decided to call her back.So I dont agree that a mother loves her kids more than a father does. My Pappa got a sixth sense that I am gonna lose my baby and he was crying too..when a man cries for someone it means he loves that person alot. Its true that a mother does give us her whole body for us to be born..but my point is,so does a father. Its from him,we are born, and I have seen the change in my hubby when he came to know that he is gonna be a father. He does everything he can do for me.He used to do lots of grocery shopping ,to make me eat healthy,he used to buy me maternity cloths so that I can be comfortable,he used to cook for me( which he never does in life,if I am OK ) when I was having nausea,morning sickness etc. He even used to clean the bathroom,after I am done with my morning sickness,vomiting etc. The moment I tell him about my cravings,he was ready to take me out to have that food,or to buy parcels for me.In fact his main worry was that I didn't have any cravings at all :P When I was having back pain,he was at service,with a hot bag and "moov" .All the above mentioned deeds he wont do otherwise. So its all for his child in fact.
And,finally when I was admitted in the hospital,with pre mature labor pain and contractions, I have seen the pain in his eyes..though I still cant make it out,if that pain was for me or his unborn child. I have seen his tension,I could hear his heart beat,and I could read all his worries,pain from his face. Later on when we were sure that we cant have the baby,he was more tensed,worried,about my well being,he was worried how I will face the truth,how I will react when I come to know that I cant have my baby.He also was there,when everyday I used to browse through those pregnancy-maternity web pages,when I used to check my tummy in the mirror,when I used to search those innumerable sites for baby names,and he also used to place his head on my tummy to hear his baby's heart beat or feel the movements.So he was part of it all..we were together when I was having ultrasound scans and we used to look at the screen with unexplainable pleasure to see our baby moving,kicking..and I still remember seeing the proud and happy father inside him,when I was having an ultra sound and our baby was folding her hands together,then scratching her head and ears..he was so happy to see his baby..so was I..
So for me,when I think about my daughter,only that ultra sound comes to my mind..for I haven't seen her after birth. But he has seen her,he has taken her in his arms,and he was present to bury her..so it would be more difficult for him to forget her.And in between all his pain and pressure he was asked to be strong only because he is a father,and to support me,only because I am a mother..and the whole world thinks that it hurts me more..and I don't think so..may be he was more in pain than me..he was in pain being a father and a husband..where as I was only a mother.He has to bury all his pain as a father and to look after me,had to support me..he sat with me holding my hand in his hands..keeping on kissing my hand..his eyes were red,the thing is that I never cried ,for I know he is dying to see a smile on my face..or at least not to see a tear in my eyes..so how can I ever hurt him..and when we were back at home,after delivery...he was sitting alone in the living room,trying hard to control his tears..my heart broke when I saw him..I still believe that the whole world was so rude to him..everyone was around me,consoling me..what about him..its not only my loss..he also lost..and he lost his wife also for a time being..and still no one understood him..I could..and I asked him to cry out..I told him..cry..cry it out..am here to support you..for I am more of a wife than a mother.And he cried..like a kid..and all I could do was to hug him and to cry with him..after its only us who lost !!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
I was so wrong !!
I was so wrong..I thought Umma will be happy to be back home..,but she is not..she is in pain..she hasnt gone out even..she is crying over me..afterall she is a mother..her biggest happiness is to see her children happy and safe. she has seen my pain,my tears..my sleepless nights..and hasnt seen my laughter for a month she was here..then how can she be happy...i was so wrong...so wrong..
And I am a daughter...who was trying hard to hide all her feelings infront of everyone...who was acting so well as a bold, brave woman..and an idiot who forgot that I am acting infront of my mother..who can understand your every move..your every nod..and understand your single heart beat even..
When she was leaving..she kept on looking back..and I was trying hard not to show her my tears..I was sooo stupid..I could have run to her..and hugged her tight..and cried..cried out loud..as if I am a 5 year old..and her mere hug could have wiped out all my fears,all my tears..I didnt know that a mom's hug is the bestest pain killer ever made..
Umma..., I know I have never shown my love,my care for you..I have always been a rude,stubborn daughter..I thought you never loved me,you never understood me,you never cared for me...I was soooooo stupid to think so...and you gave me all the love,care I missed in my childhood...within a month...
I miss you...and I love you...
Now I truely believe that I can never ever complain about anything to Allah...for he gave me the best of everything..and am damn sure that I am one among the MOST BLESSED creations of Allah.
And I am a daughter...who was trying hard to hide all her feelings infront of everyone...who was acting so well as a bold, brave woman..and an idiot who forgot that I am acting infront of my mother..who can understand your every move..your every nod..and understand your single heart beat even..
When she was leaving..she kept on looking back..and I was trying hard not to show her my tears..I was sooo stupid..I could have run to her..and hugged her tight..and cried..cried out loud..as if I am a 5 year old..and her mere hug could have wiped out all my fears,all my tears..I didnt know that a mom's hug is the bestest pain killer ever made..
Umma..., I know I have never shown my love,my care for you..I have always been a rude,stubborn daughter..I thought you never loved me,you never understood me,you never cared for me...I was soooooo stupid to think so...and you gave me all the love,care I missed in my childhood...within a month...
I miss you...and I love you...
Now I truely believe that I can never ever complain about anything to Allah...for he gave me the best of everything..and am damn sure that I am one among the MOST BLESSED creations of Allah.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Bye Mom....
So thats it..Umma's visit is over..she came on 13th April and is flying back tomorrow. I really cant write down what I am feeling now.Am I really sad..no..but I am really upset..and angry..though dont know what am angry about.. and its true that I always fail to express my sorrow..and it comes out as anger always :( so probably am really sad !
Yesterday we went to Al Quoz graveyard,where my Eva has been buried..Umma wanted to visit her before she leaves..so I could also see her..though it was only pile of sand..she might have seen us from underneath..she should be happy that her parents and grandmom came to see her..be happy and safe always Eva..Allah is there ..you are a lucky girl to be with Him !!
So the main thing happening right now is Umma's flight back home. All the packing done..everything is fine..but I am not..I will miss her..infact that thought itself is upstting me. She will be happy to fly back..to her husband,to her territory, to her own busy shedules..and I should be happy..that she will be happy..and my Pappa and Dada will be happy too...
So have a safe flight..Umma
Nothing more to write !!
Yesterday we went to Al Quoz graveyard,where my Eva has been buried..Umma wanted to visit her before she leaves..so I could also see her..though it was only pile of sand..she might have seen us from underneath..she should be happy that her parents and grandmom came to see her..be happy and safe always Eva..Allah is there ..you are a lucky girl to be with Him !!
So the main thing happening right now is Umma's flight back home. All the packing done..everything is fine..but I am not..I will miss her..infact that thought itself is upstting me. She will be happy to fly back..to her husband,to her territory, to her own busy shedules..and I should be happy..that she will be happy..and my Pappa and Dada will be happy too...
So have a safe flight..Umma
Nothing more to write !!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
So...That was my Eva !!
Hey..,
Its been some time,I wrote..not because I didnt had anything to write about..but..
I had a good news to share,and before I thought of sharing it,that has gone..that news itself is no more....so, I should say,I have a bad news to share. The good news was that ,I got pregnant after long five years of married life..I had one ectopic pregnancy in 2009 though. And now, I lost my baby..I had gone 5 months with the baby..but fate..Allah's wish was to call my baby back.
Many of you wont know the stress you will have when you are not conceiving..and the comments,questions,statements and finally the sympathy you get from everyone you meet around. And I really wish may you never have to face it. Its really a tough time of your life. And the infertility treatment also is a very tiring experiance,I should say. You have to be happy, stress free, and cool..for better results...but these are things which you can only dream of..
So however,inspite of all these stress...I managed to lose weight ( which is one of the important criteria to be achieved when you are under infertility treatment) and we tried our best to remain happy,cool and take medicines..and I got pregnant in december 2011. Those who have had the experiance of euphoria when you get the hsg test result positive can relate to our happiness and relief when I got the result positive..but still we were anxious to confirm this time its not in my fallopian tubes..and went to the hospital to confirm that..and after the first ultra sound only we were "really happy".
Still, we were not that relaxed,as everyone around us reminded us of the importance of first trimester..I was still afraid of losing my baby..and so was my Hubby. Anyways with utmost care, love, prayers, everything at its best I had my pregnancy...browsing through those websites,googling the best food, what should be avoided..etc etc..I still dont know how fast and smooth 5 months went by. Pregnancy is a phase of life, in which you get all the love,care,and prayers from all over..first time in life,I was excited to go to the hospital,to see the doctor, to get my ultra sound scan done..so that I can see my baby moving and kicking..and can actually believe that there is a little human being alive inside me !! Every morning I used to look in the mirror, to check if I am showing up..almost every week I used to check my weight to see if I am putting up weight..and then google all the tiny bits of knowledge about my baby and pregnancy!!
Everyone says God bless us with kids..yeah that's true. Kids are indeed a blessing, they change your life forever..the very knowledge that there is a little someone inside your belly makes you feel great. And you will be counting your days off..to see that little human being's face..so was I...
But when I completed 5 months,God decided to call my baby back. May be He has something greater to offer. I have known the pain of labor, now I do understand why everyone loves and respects their mothers at its best..and more than that now I know How much my Mom and Pappa love me...how badly they have waited for me,how well they have took care of me, and how much I mean to them. Its so true that,when we become parents,we love our parents more.
I didnt see my daughter..none even asked me,would I like to see her..and I am still not sure, what will be my answer..would I be bold enough to see her..and will I ever be able to forget her face. Anyways I believe that was also for best,that I didnt see my baby. But those who saw her told that she was so beautiful, fully developed and was radiant. I have always longed for a baby girl..and I used to google for baby girl names alot..and we had decided to name our daughter Eva..which means life in Hebrew. She was indeed my life..infact Allah you took my life from me..still I am not complaining..its you who gave me this life..so its all yours'
Still Allah....
Please take care of my Eva..
Its been some time,I wrote..not because I didnt had anything to write about..but..
I had a good news to share,and before I thought of sharing it,that has gone..that news itself is no more....so, I should say,I have a bad news to share. The good news was that ,I got pregnant after long five years of married life..I had one ectopic pregnancy in 2009 though. And now, I lost my baby..I had gone 5 months with the baby..but fate..Allah's wish was to call my baby back.
Many of you wont know the stress you will have when you are not conceiving..and the comments,questions,statements and finally the sympathy you get from everyone you meet around. And I really wish may you never have to face it. Its really a tough time of your life. And the infertility treatment also is a very tiring experiance,I should say. You have to be happy, stress free, and cool..for better results...but these are things which you can only dream of..
So however,inspite of all these stress...I managed to lose weight ( which is one of the important criteria to be achieved when you are under infertility treatment) and we tried our best to remain happy,cool and take medicines..and I got pregnant in december 2011. Those who have had the experiance of euphoria when you get the hsg test result positive can relate to our happiness and relief when I got the result positive..but still we were anxious to confirm this time its not in my fallopian tubes..and went to the hospital to confirm that..and after the first ultra sound only we were "really happy".
Still, we were not that relaxed,as everyone around us reminded us of the importance of first trimester..I was still afraid of losing my baby..and so was my Hubby. Anyways with utmost care, love, prayers, everything at its best I had my pregnancy...browsing through those websites,googling the best food, what should be avoided..etc etc..I still dont know how fast and smooth 5 months went by. Pregnancy is a phase of life, in which you get all the love,care,and prayers from all over..first time in life,I was excited to go to the hospital,to see the doctor, to get my ultra sound scan done..so that I can see my baby moving and kicking..and can actually believe that there is a little human being alive inside me !! Every morning I used to look in the mirror, to check if I am showing up..almost every week I used to check my weight to see if I am putting up weight..and then google all the tiny bits of knowledge about my baby and pregnancy!!
Everyone says God bless us with kids..yeah that's true. Kids are indeed a blessing, they change your life forever..the very knowledge that there is a little someone inside your belly makes you feel great. And you will be counting your days off..to see that little human being's face..so was I...
But when I completed 5 months,God decided to call my baby back. May be He has something greater to offer. I have known the pain of labor, now I do understand why everyone loves and respects their mothers at its best..and more than that now I know How much my Mom and Pappa love me...how badly they have waited for me,how well they have took care of me, and how much I mean to them. Its so true that,when we become parents,we love our parents more.
I didnt see my daughter..none even asked me,would I like to see her..and I am still not sure, what will be my answer..would I be bold enough to see her..and will I ever be able to forget her face. Anyways I believe that was also for best,that I didnt see my baby. But those who saw her told that she was so beautiful, fully developed and was radiant. I have always longed for a baby girl..and I used to google for baby girl names alot..and we had decided to name our daughter Eva..which means life in Hebrew. She was indeed my life..infact Allah you took my life from me..still I am not complaining..its you who gave me this life..so its all yours'
Still Allah....
Please take care of my Eva..
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
My Kunju !!!
Today I am gonna talk about my kunju, you might be wondering who is this kunju now...,well she is my one and only sis..actually I was supposed to call her "kunjatha" because her pet name was kunjumol at home and because she is elder than me..I am supposed to call her itha ! Though I did call her so for some time...years after..I shortened it to Kunju..which she had no option other than to accept it :p
So about kunju- Actually speaking I really don't know much about kunju..unlike other sisters we were never very close...we never used to share secrets,we never used to discuss anything..I have seen my friends and their sisters,who are very close and are good friends..they share everything and discuss anything...but we were or in fact we are not that type of sisters !! For kunju,am always her little sister,her Annava..so may be she can ever consider me as a friend..I remember when I was in 7th or 8th and she was doing her Corporation and Banking course in Agricultural University,Mannuthi,Trichur...she was in hostel..used to come home for holidays only, if she is at home,the first thing she used to do was to read all the magazines,which were issued when she was in hostel..then she would sleep the rest of the time..and will wake up only by evening when umma returns from school, and they would start their chit chat about college-hostel stories..Forgot to mention...as a child I never used to sleep during day time..and that's one of the things which I hate most about my childhood..I was bored to death,when everyone around me would be sleeping..Imagine my situation,when there was no cable connection at home,I had to manage with Doordarshan,and by reading the same Balaramas' !! And of course I would try my luck with everyone..would go to everyone at home,try to wake them up,try to talk to them,try to ask doubts...to which all of them were trained...they kept on ignoring all the disturbance I made...and after all my attempts finally I will also sleep,may be I was that bored to sleep..by that time everyone would wake up..!!! :-(
So whenever Kunju came from hostel,I used to disturb her also,she would scold me...as she will be either busy with her magazines or busy with sleeping..whatever I did not have any chance there !!
So that was our relation..once she told me,If you were a little more older I could have told you many things..oh so that was the problem..for which I still not have a solution !! So I also decided since kunju is too old for me,I wont share anything even !!
Lets keep all these aside,and talk about our relation...In spite of all these,we really have a special bond and love between us..I know how much she loves me..once she got married and came to Dubai,none would ever know how much I missed her...on every special occasions I missed her alot..she is the one who used to dress me up,who used to tie my hair,who used to put mehendi on my hands...in short all my celebrations were ruined after her wedding..
Then I got my kunju back,when I got married and came to Dubai itself...now we do talk everyday,we do meet once in a while..and kunju is having penalty for ignoring me all those days :P she doesn't have any other option now other than to listen...either her kids or me would always disturb her..and for all the sleep she had in those good old days..she cant sleep now at all..what I admire most about kunju is her will power,her patience..she has got 4 kids now,who keep on disturbing her,still she manages to read alot..I owe her a lot...she has given me 4 diamonds,who call me chitta and who love me like she does...she has given me the best Brother in law who considers me as his own sister..in fact I never lost my kunju,in fact I got one more brother home!!
Can you imagine how it feels to have someone who can listen patiently to your stupid,silly chit chats..it means a lot..to have someone like that, and I am blessed to have my kunju,my pappa and my dada..for the same..Heaven help them !!
Kunjaaaa, you are my ears...I love you a lottt you mean a lot to me..am damn sure that I cant have any sister better than you..Happy Birthdayyyy Kunjaaaaa <3 <3 <3
So about kunju- Actually speaking I really don't know much about kunju..unlike other sisters we were never very close...we never used to share secrets,we never used to discuss anything..I have seen my friends and their sisters,who are very close and are good friends..they share everything and discuss anything...but we were or in fact we are not that type of sisters !! For kunju,am always her little sister,her Annava..so may be she can ever consider me as a friend..I remember when I was in 7th or 8th and she was doing her Corporation and Banking course in Agricultural University,Mannuthi,Trichur...she was in hostel..used to come home for holidays only, if she is at home,the first thing she used to do was to read all the magazines,which were issued when she was in hostel..then she would sleep the rest of the time..and will wake up only by evening when umma returns from school, and they would start their chit chat about college-hostel stories..Forgot to mention...as a child I never used to sleep during day time..and that's one of the things which I hate most about my childhood..I was bored to death,when everyone around me would be sleeping..Imagine my situation,when there was no cable connection at home,I had to manage with Doordarshan,and by reading the same Balaramas' !! And of course I would try my luck with everyone..would go to everyone at home,try to wake them up,try to talk to them,try to ask doubts...to which all of them were trained...they kept on ignoring all the disturbance I made...and after all my attempts finally I will also sleep,may be I was that bored to sleep..by that time everyone would wake up..!!! :-(
So whenever Kunju came from hostel,I used to disturb her also,she would scold me...as she will be either busy with her magazines or busy with sleeping..whatever I did not have any chance there !!
So that was our relation..once she told me,If you were a little more older I could have told you many things..oh so that was the problem..for which I still not have a solution !! So I also decided since kunju is too old for me,I wont share anything even !!
Lets keep all these aside,and talk about our relation...In spite of all these,we really have a special bond and love between us..I know how much she loves me..once she got married and came to Dubai,none would ever know how much I missed her...on every special occasions I missed her alot..she is the one who used to dress me up,who used to tie my hair,who used to put mehendi on my hands...in short all my celebrations were ruined after her wedding..
Then I got my kunju back,when I got married and came to Dubai itself...now we do talk everyday,we do meet once in a while..and kunju is having penalty for ignoring me all those days :P she doesn't have any other option now other than to listen...either her kids or me would always disturb her..and for all the sleep she had in those good old days..she cant sleep now at all..what I admire most about kunju is her will power,her patience..she has got 4 kids now,who keep on disturbing her,still she manages to read alot..I owe her a lot...she has given me 4 diamonds,who call me chitta and who love me like she does...she has given me the best Brother in law who considers me as his own sister..in fact I never lost my kunju,in fact I got one more brother home!!
Can you imagine how it feels to have someone who can listen patiently to your stupid,silly chit chats..it means a lot..to have someone like that, and I am blessed to have my kunju,my pappa and my dada..for the same..Heaven help them !!
Kunjaaaa, you are my ears...I love you a lottt you mean a lot to me..am damn sure that I cant have any sister better than you..Happy Birthdayyyy Kunjaaaaa <3 <3 <3
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