Expired !!

Last Sunday I watched the Malayalam movie" How old are you?" And am not writing a movie review here that's been already reviewed by many so am not in to it. Am trying to speak out how I felt when I was watching the movie. It did hurt me a lot and it left me regretting and made me realize that I didn't reach any where and I even forgot my goals and dreams. The movie throws a question to the viewers "who decides the expiry date of a woman's dreams." We can put the blame on many ,on husband,children,family,society,in laws etc etc but the truth is that it's a woman herself who decides that her dreams are expired. And we are not doing it purposefully it's that we give priority to others' dreams and goals we consider our goal is to take care of the family and to keep the family happy and what happens is after a while we are taken granted and nobody finds it worth! And you become a bore, coward and old lady who thinks about the family alone.

I wanted to become something one day wanted to leave my signature but where am I today,
! Just spending my time in a 2 Bhk flat looking after a husband and a 10 month old baby. I have to say nothing brings more happiness when I see my princess' smile when she finds me home as soon as she wakes up and am sure not a payroll account balance can bring such happiness. But I know when she grows up and is her own she won't need me and I will be left all alone and then again I will regret that I have stopped dreaming even for the sake of my family! I was glad that my mother didn't forget to chase her dreams while raising us and I admire my father for helping her chase her dream. As a kid I could never understand my mother and I felt very bad when I didn't get her always but now am happy that she helped many needy people when I could manage my things. My sister always supported my mother and mom always used to mention that . Today when I spoke to my sister how I felt after the movie and how I felt happy for our mom she said now you know why I always supported our mom and said we can't chase our dreams let's be happy that she does! Yes am happy and proud of you Umma and I admire you Pappa ...

And I know my dreams are expired..let's hope one day I will water it and it will grow again and be fruitful one day !!  

Life after 1st September 2013 !!

A new life has began,after Emy is born. A new life full of happiness and peace. Needless to say, there are worries,sleepless nights,tensions,unfinished meals and coffees..but my Emy's smile makes it all worth.

My days were boring and long, but now 24 hours is not enough for me to finish all my work and rest. I have heard many say days flew after the birth of their baby..but it wasn't so with me..till now I am counting everyday,every minute and every moments with my Emy,for I have waited so long for it,struggled a lot for it and gone through a lot of pain to have her in my life.

She did tense us after her birth till she was 2 months old. She was not gaining weight, had urine infection, had to undergo ultrasound scanning when she was just 50 days old..and obviously I was crying all day and night looking at her.She started gaining weight after her Pediatrician prescribed milk supplement for her, to make my days perfect,happy and tension free. Now she is gonna complete 5 months on Feb 1 st, In Sha Allah.

I never knew how such a little person can change our lives so much. Now our world is Emy. Her giggles,sounds,movements, etc make our day. Even while she is sleeping we enjoy her gestures. Anything for her..I don't care about how I look now..don't care about my physique and diet..I am concerned about her health alone , wanna feed her so I have to eat..and after all I was worried about weight and all only to have a baby. Now she is here so its her that matters.Our conversations start and end with Emy..Hubby asks about Emy alone when he calls from office..we plan to save for her, and our shopping is only for her..so many changes. The way she holds my finger when she is sleeping or feeding..the way she smiles at me, the way she talks to me, the way she keeps her head on my shoulder ,every little thing she does make all the suffering worth.

Emy, you are our bundle of joy. Pappa and Mamma love you loads..we don't have a life of our own anymore..you make our world complete. Now I have to stop writing, for my angel is waiting for me.See you soon folks.

Welcome,Emira !!

Hello,
Just peeped in to announce the arrival of our baby girl,Emira Nafeesa Rafeeque. Emira means princess, and she really is!! Nafeesa is her grandmother's name.She was born on 1st September 2013 at 12.12 pm UAE time. It was an elective cesarean as her heart beat was going up. She is three weeks pre mature and weighed less. Rest all fine,now am too busy being a mother. As now she is turning one month old ,we would like to thank each one of you for your prayers and wishes. Will post about "life after Emy is born" soon when am free, hope she would let me,sigh !! 

Gone beautiful days !!

Eid Mubarak !! Hope you all had a blessed Eid ul  Fitr. Though not an active Eid,my Eid also went good,or should I say it ended without creating much tensions. I had a false labor pain and some contractions on Tuesday night and was admitted for a day and got discharged on Wednesday evening. Needless to say, I was bloody scared,still not over it,though!

Eid is the time for family get together ,and for last 3 years, we have 10-15 guests at home for both Eid ul Fitr and Eid ul adha. Though the food preparations and all make you tired,it is fun. And on this Eid, as I am on strict bed rest, I did not cook, we ordered food from out and I was on bed the whole day. So had the whole day to remember my childhood Eid days, and I miss those days terribly.

As I hail from Calicut, and all our neighbours are Muslims we had great celebrations back home. And my Pappa's siblings live near by,so we cousins also had great fun.we would wait for the "takbirs" to begin from Masjids which declare that the moon has been sighted and its Eid the next day. And once its confirmed,me along with my neighbours who are of my same age, would pack the fitr sakat and distribute it in our neighbour hood. Then me,Pappa and my kunju ( my sister) would walk to Mukkam town, Pappa would be buying groceries,meat etc for Eid lunch and we will be at " tharavadu" ,where Ayichuttimma will be waiting for us with the freshly grinded henna. The henna leaves at tharavadu used to give very bright red colour. And we with our cousins would put mehendi cones on palms and Ayichuttimma's henna on nails. Then would return back with henna on our hands with takbirs on background. And on our way back we used to buy matching accessories for Eid dress also.

My Eid means my kunju. She was the one who used to put mehendi on my hands,she used to select my Eid dress and accessories and she used to wake me up on Eid day and she used to dress me up,and I always used to make her Eid bad by complaining about how her mehendi  design looks better than mine,and if her mehendi was more  brighter red,she used to keep it whole night and I would wash it before I go to bed,so obviously she got much better colour ! Though we quarrel every Eid mornings ,she used to take me to her friends' and then we would visit the neighbours and relatives around . Then would have lunch and by evening again will go to tharavadu, taste Ayichuttimma's parippu curry,neychor etc, then to Jameela teacher's ,umma's colleague and our family friend. The most difficult part was that we had to taste so many 'payasams' one single day.

In short,my Eid was spent around kunju. And I never had such beautiful Eid after her wedding. I still remember the first Eid without her,how I missed my kunju,I didn't put mehendi,kunju was not there to tie my hair, I didn't have her company to visit people on Eid. That Eid I cried a lot ! And I never celebrated Eid with the same happiness ever. Then I celebrated Eid again after my wedding, because I was back with kunju again in Dubai,and we used to celebrate it together. Though kunju never got time to put mehendi on my hands again,she used to remember every time she put it on her kids' coz just like me ,her elder daughter started to complain about the design! Now last two years kunju is home for Eid and my Eid is incomplete again! Kunjaa I miss you terribly. My Eid is incomplete without you!

The best gift I will ever have !!

It's said that"God always has the best in store for us". Many a time we might not get what we wished for or what we loved a lot,but I believe whatever God gives you will be the best for you.you may not understand it that time,though.

I have always believed in that. Even if its a simple thing which I wished for and didn't get,I used to believe ok it was not for me and I strongly believe if its meant for me it will be mine,and it will be the best I can ever have. And the best example with which God made me believe it is ,my husband.

I know no one can ever love me more than he does,no one can ever stand me than him,and no one can love me more each day than him. Ours is not a perfect marriage,we do have our own ups and downs,our own differences,our own personal preferences,possessiveness and we do fight ,and I should say its him ,who always comes back to me with a smile,how I wish I should end the fight once,but he ends it most of the time!

He can't tolerate if am in pain,he can't bear anything happening to me. Whenever we have hospital visits he is the most concerned. Last two times when we lost our child,he was sad of course but he was more worried how I will face the loss. If I tell him I am having headache,I can see his face expression change,he will ask me why is it so? Is there any problem ? Do we need to go hospital etc, at times  I do get irritated when he asks me why, as if I know the reason!! And it's true that I have become more bold and stronger because of him,cause if any problem comes he gets tensed and will be worried so I started to hide my emotions most of the time. Last year when we lost our daughter Eva, I tried my best not to cry in front of him, I spent my nights in tears,and cried out in shower. He was also trying his best to make me happy and not to remind me of anything. I used to check many pregnancy related websites and had subscribed to one,they used to send me weekly news letters, once we lost our daughter and I came back home,and I was taking rest,the first thing he did was to log in my mail and unsubscribe it,so that I won't be reminded about it every week! After all who else knows how I used to wait for that news letter every week to read about our baby's development.

When I first met him,on a cousin's wedding I had no idea what God had in store for us. I was very rude to him,cause at that particular time ,I hated all men out there whoever proposed me .I was engaged to someone else,when I was sixteen and I broke the engagement within one year,as I knew its never gonna work between us,may be cause I was so immature that I was not ready for a compromise ,had I been a little older I might be adjusting with him now!  When I broke the engagement the whole world around me was against me,they all believed that I won't get another good alliance ,I was least bothered about it. But now I know that was the best decision I ever took,and that was because Allah had the best ever gift in store for me!

Now I know why Allah didn't bless us with a kid for last seven years of marriage. It was to show me how my husband loves me,how he will be there for me always,how we can live without having a child and having a loving husband alone. He took my two kids again to show me how concerned and caring my hubby is,how lucky I am to have him and Allah was making sure that we have our kids waiting in heaven for us. Alhamdulillah ,Allah I can't ask for anything more. What else would I need,other than my husband being with me on earth and here after,in sha Allah! Please bless him with health and please let us live longer together.Please do keep our love,respect,and trust in each other alive and do bless us to be partners in heaven too..aameen!

Helplessness

I am someone who loves to do everything on my own,very particular about how things should be at home or at work. A typical Taurean,who is happy with the routine chores,I don't like sudden changes in life! I love my home and surroundings to be clean and neat,and am mostly satisfied if I do it my own! I need things exactly where I kept ! Everything messy irritates me!

And now what happened is that am on complete bed rest,only permitted to use the washroom and to eat on my dining table! If you have read my earlier posts,you should know how I have lost two kids already and the stress of infertility treatment. So now Alhamdulillah by God's grace am pregnant again,for the third time. And this time also,the baby is not so willing to come out without making some complications! So last week I was hospitalized on emergency had my cervical cerclage done and now am on complete bed rest! Always made to lay on my bed in head low position! And you should appreciate that I still manage to type in :p it's in fact pure boredom which made me post a blog.

My Mom rushed to Dubai,leaving Papa,my bro and everything else, when she heard that am hospitalized. She is not in her prime,actually now I should look after her! But helplessness at its peak, Umma is here to take care of me for a month,then she have to fly back once her visit visa is over!
And I will need someone else rest of my pregnancy,now am on my 23 rd week only, still a long way to go...but Thank God am half way through it.

So now I know how exactly people who are bed ridden might be feeling,what all emotional stages they might be undergoing! When you can't do things your own,when you don't have control over things that's going on you will be irritated,you might get angry over very small things,and finally you will be sad,will be desperate over your helplessness!! You will start to ignore things,which in normal case you can't even tolerate. That's how life and God teach us how at times we all are helpless..I know and agree that when God decides on somethings we all are helpless but am talking about the minute daily chores which we used to do and can't do for some time or anymore!! For example first 2days after the procedure I couldn't even brush my teeth,I was not allowed to take a bath and I was all sweating and itchy with the summer going on here!!

So now here I am in my bed room,just lying on my bed,ignoring the small world around me and hoping for a much better,bigger world with my little one,In Sha Allah !! Do pray for us :)

Once it was God's own country !!

When I was a kid,or rather till I got married and became an NRI , we used to experience rain almost six months in Kerala,our state.I have always fallen in love with the rain,I love the nights with heavy rain,thunder and lightening..I never used to close my windows...in fact we never closed our windows. I still cherish how the rain drops used to touch my face by its visit through my windows,how the cold wind used to caress me,how the lightening used to share the laughter with me..and how the thunder used to shout at me for not sleeping....so blessed were we to experience all these..

My Pappa has planted lots of trees all over our land. In fact now a days we cant get enough of sun light even..because of the shades of trees. I guess from Pappa I got the love for the nature..Pappa never used to disturb any other creatures living along with us on the Earth.During summer we used to keep water in a clay pot,so that the birds can quench their thirst,and my summer vacations were spent by watching the birds,they even used to take a shower with that little amount of water we provide.And I still continue it here in Dubai,by keeping some water in my balcony and watching the birds here.

In school, I have been taught that we have 44 rivers across Kerala. We used to get Monsoon,we never had that hot summers,we had our own share of winter as well.What have we done with all these resources that God provided us? We had forests,lots of trees,Kerala was known for her greenery..now where all these have gone? Since when did we start to live life more of a consumer..we stopped cultivating,we deforested our forests..we dried our rivers,streams,we polluted our nature..and now we are paying off.And its sad that we didn't even develop to a metro still,even after losing so many things!!

Keralites only know to take a bath 2-3 times a day.We never used our resources.We cursed the rain which poured on us.We cut the trees for the landscaping beauty of our homes!! Still when it rains,we don't try to save some water for the coming summer..we all interlock or tile our courtyards,so that it looks neat and clean,we don't have to worry about the snakes and other creatures coming in our premises.But in between we forgot that along with all other creatures rain, the water resource underneath and the cool weather also left us.Now all we do is curse the ruling party for the delay of Monsoon,for the power cuts,for the drought too. Its easy to cut a tree,but it takes years to grow one.Only we can save our planet..don't cut our trees,grow more..and then the rain will come along,our children can experience the rain,can see the rivers and streams..remember this planet is not ours alone..it was of people who lived before,who are yet to come..and of the numerous animals ,flora and fauna and lots of other creatures' too...Its indeed beautiful..save it..preserve it..and cherish it.