From A Father's Point of view !!

We all talk about "mother's love" always..how she carries her baby in her womb for 40 weeks, how she deals with the nausea,morning sickness, body aches etc etc then finally how she bears the labor pain and delivers the baby etc.Yeah its all true,being a mother is not that easy..you have to go through so many pains,so much uneasiness..but you wont feel it so unbearable for its all for your kid. You will be ready to do anything for your kid..you will be ready to bear anything,and you will be ready to sacrifice anything..

So is a Father !! I have seen my Pappa,who was, in fact is willing to do anything for our happiness,for our well being and for our bright future.When my parents got to know that I was being admitted in the hospital , my Umma told me how they were shattered. Umma was crying and didnt wake up from her bed,but Pappa was crying too,he told Umma that he had a dream few days back when he was having a nap after his Subhi prayer, a cute,beautiful baby girl came running to him,sat on his lap,gave him kisses on both his cheek and ran away..he called out for her to stop..but she didnt,and he was telling Umma that may be Allah was showing him my baby in his dreams for He has decided to call her back.So I dont agree that a mother loves her kids more than a father does. My Pappa got a sixth sense that I am gonna lose my baby and he was crying too..when a man cries for someone it means he loves that person alot. Its true that a mother does give us her whole body for us to be born..but my point is,so does a father. Its from him,we are born, and I have seen the change in my hubby when he came to know that he is gonna be a father. He does everything he can do for me.He used to do lots of grocery shopping ,to make me eat healthy,he used to buy me maternity cloths so that I can be comfortable,he used to cook for me( which he never does in life,if I am OK ) when I was having nausea,morning sickness etc. He even used to clean the bathroom,after I am done with my morning sickness,vomiting etc. The moment I tell him about my cravings,he was ready to take me out to have that food,or to buy parcels for me.In fact his main worry was that I didn't have any cravings at all :P When I was having back pain,he was at service,with a hot bag and "moov" .All the above mentioned deeds he wont do otherwise. So its all for his child in fact.

And,finally when I was admitted in the hospital,with pre mature labor pain and contractions, I have seen the pain in his eyes..though I still cant make it out,if that pain was for me or his unborn child. I have seen his tension,I could hear his heart beat,and I could read all his worries,pain from his face. Later on when we were sure that we cant have the baby,he was more tensed,worried,about my well being,he was worried how I will face the truth,how I will react when I come to know that I cant have my baby.He also was there,when everyday I used to browse through those pregnancy-maternity web pages,when I used to check my tummy in the mirror,when I used to search those innumerable sites for baby names,and he also used to place his head on my tummy to hear his baby's heart beat or feel the movements.So he was part of it all..we were together when I was having  ultrasound scans and we used to look at the screen with unexplainable pleasure to see our baby moving,kicking..and I still remember seeing the proud and happy father inside him,when I was having an ultra sound and our baby was folding her hands together,then scratching her head and ears..he was so happy to see his baby..so was I..

So for me,when I think about my daughter,only that ultra sound comes to my mind..for I haven't seen her after birth. But he has seen her,he has taken her in his arms,and he was present to bury her..so it would be more difficult for him to forget her.And in between all his pain and pressure he was asked to be strong only because he is a father,and to support me,only because I am a mother..and the whole world thinks that it hurts me more..and I don't think so..may be he was more in pain than me..he was in pain being a father and a husband..where as I was only a mother.He has to bury all his pain as a father and to look after me,had to support me..he sat with me holding my hand in his hands..keeping on kissing my hand..his eyes were red,the thing is that I never cried ,for I know he is dying to see a smile on my face..or at least not to see a tear in my eyes..so how can I ever hurt him..and when we were back at home,after delivery...he was sitting alone in the living room,trying hard to control his tears..my heart broke when I saw him..I still believe that the whole world was so rude to him..everyone was around me,consoling me..what about him..its not only my loss..he also lost..and he lost his wife also for a time being..and still no one understood him..I could..and I asked him to cry out..I told him..cry..cry it out..am here to support you..for I am more of a wife than a mother.And he cried..like a kid..and all I could do was to hug him and to cry with him..after its only us who lost !!

I was so wrong !!

I was so wrong..I thought Umma will be happy to be back home..,but she is not..she is in pain..she hasnt gone out even..she is crying over me..afterall she is a mother..her biggest happiness is to see her children happy and safe. she has seen my pain,my tears..my sleepless nights..and hasnt seen my laughter for a month she was here..then how can she be happy...i was so wrong...so wrong..

And I am a daughter...who was trying hard to hide all her feelings infront of everyone...who was acting so well as a bold, brave woman..and an idiot who forgot that I am acting infront of my mother..who can understand your every move..your every nod..and understand your single heart beat even..

When she was leaving..she kept on looking back..and I was trying hard not to show her my tears..I was sooo stupid..I could have run to her..and hugged her tight..and cried..cried out loud..as if I am a 5 year old..and her mere hug could have wiped out all my fears,all my tears..I didnt know that a mom's hug is the bestest pain killer ever made..

Umma..., I know I have never shown my love,my care for you..I have always been a rude,stubborn daughter..I thought you never loved me,you never understood me,you never cared for me...I was soooooo stupid to think so...and you gave me all the love,care I missed in my childhood...within a month...

I miss you...and I love you...

Now I truely believe that I can never ever complain about anything to Allah...for he gave me the best of everything..and am damn sure that I am one among the MOST BLESSED creations of Allah.

Bye Mom....

So thats it..Umma's visit is over..she came on 13th April and is flying back tomorrow. I really cant write down what I am feeling now.Am I really sad..no..but I am really upset..and angry..though dont know  what am angry about.. and its true that I always fail to express my sorrow..and it comes out as anger always :( so probably am really sad !

Yesterday we went to Al Quoz graveyard,where my Eva has been buried..Umma wanted to visit her before she leaves..so I could also see her..though it was only pile of sand..she might have seen us from underneath..she should be happy that her parents and grandmom came to see her..be happy and safe always Eva..Allah is there ..you are a lucky girl to be with Him !!

So the main thing happening right now is Umma's flight back home. All the packing done..everything is fine..but I am not..I will miss her..infact that thought itself is upstting me. She will be happy to fly back..to her husband,to her territory, to her own busy shedules..and I should be happy..that she will be happy..and my Pappa and Dada will be happy too...

So have a safe flight..Umma

Nothing more to write !!

So...That was my Eva !!

Hey..,

Its been some time,I wrote..not because I didnt had anything to write about..but..
I had a good news to share,and before I thought of sharing it,that has gone..that news itself is no more....so, I should say,I have a bad news to share. The good news was that ,I got pregnant after long five years of married life..I had one ectopic pregnancy in 2009 though. And now, I lost my baby..I had gone 5 months with the baby..but fate..Allah's wish was to call my baby back.

Many of you wont know the stress you will have when you are not conceiving..and the comments,questions,statements and finally the sympathy you get from everyone you meet around. And I really wish may you never have to face it. Its really a tough time of your life. And the infertility treatment also is a very tiring experiance,I should say. You have to be happy, stress free, and cool..for better results...but these are things which you can only dream of..

So however,inspite of all these stress...I managed to lose weight ( which is one of the important criteria to be achieved when you are under infertility treatment) and we tried our best to remain happy,cool and take medicines..and I got pregnant in december 2011. Those who have had the experiance of euphoria when you get the hsg test result positive can relate to our happiness and relief when I got the result positive..but still we were anxious to confirm this time its not in my fallopian tubes..and went to the hospital to confirm that..and after the first ultra sound only we were "really happy".

Still, we were not that relaxed,as everyone around us reminded us of the importance of first trimester..I was still afraid of losing my baby..and so was my Hubby. Anyways with utmost care, love, prayers, everything at its best I had my pregnancy...browsing through those websites,googling the best food, what should be avoided..etc etc..I still dont know how fast and smooth 5 months went by. Pregnancy is a phase of life, in which you get all the love,care,and prayers from all over..first time in life,I was excited to go to the hospital,to see the doctor, to get my ultra sound scan done..so that I can see my baby moving and kicking..and can actually believe that there is a little human being alive inside me !! Every morning I used to look in the mirror, to check if I am showing up..almost every week I used to check my weight to see if I am putting up weight..and then google all the tiny bits of knowledge about my baby and pregnancy!!

Everyone says God bless us with kids..yeah that's true. Kids are indeed a blessing, they change your life forever..the very knowledge that there is a little someone inside your belly makes you feel great. And you will be counting your days off..to see that little human being's face..so was I...

But when I completed 5 months,God decided to call my baby back. May be He has something greater to offer. I have known the pain of labor, now I do understand why everyone loves and respects their mothers at its best..and more than that now I know How much my Mom and Pappa love me...how badly they have waited for me,how well they have took care of me, and how much I mean to them. Its so true that,when we become parents,we love our parents more.

I didnt see my daughter..none even asked me,would I like to see her..and I am still not sure, what will be my answer..would I be bold enough to see her..and will I ever be able to forget her face. Anyways I believe that was also for best,that I didnt see my baby. But those who saw her told that she was so beautiful, fully developed and was radiant. I have always longed for a baby girl..and I used to google for baby girl names alot..and we had decided to name our daughter Eva..which means life in Hebrew. She was indeed my life..infact Allah you took my life from me..still I am not complaining..its you who gave me this life..so its all yours'

Still Allah....

Please take care of my Eva..

My Kunju !!!

Today I am gonna talk about my kunju, you might be wondering who is this kunju now...,well she is my one and only sis..actually I was supposed to call her "kunjatha" because her pet name was kunjumol at home and because she is elder than me..I am supposed to call her itha ! Though I did call her so for some time...years after..I shortened it to Kunju..which she had no option other than to accept it :p

So about kunju- Actually speaking I really don't know much about kunju..unlike other sisters we were never very close...we never used to share secrets,we never used to discuss anything..I have seen my friends and their sisters,who are very close and are good friends..they share everything and discuss anything...but we were or in fact we are not that type of sisters !! For kunju,am always her little sister,her Annava..so may be she can ever consider me as a friend..I remember when I was in 7th or 8th and she was doing her Corporation and Banking course in Agricultural University,Mannuthi,Trichur...she was in hostel..used to come home for holidays only, if she is at home,the first thing she used to do was to read all the magazines,which were issued when she was in hostel..then she would sleep the rest of the time..and will wake up only by evening when umma returns from school, and they would start their chit chat about college-hostel stories..Forgot to mention...as a child I never used to sleep during day time..and that's one of the things which I hate most about my childhood..I was bored to death,when everyone around me would be sleeping..Imagine my situation,when there was no cable connection at home,I had to manage with Doordarshan,and by reading the same Balaramas' !! And of course I would try my luck with everyone..would go to everyone at home,try to wake them up,try to talk to them,try to ask doubts...to which all of them were trained...they kept on ignoring all the disturbance I made...and after all my attempts finally I will also sleep,may be I was that bored to sleep..by that time everyone would wake up..!!! :-(

So whenever Kunju came from hostel,I used to disturb her also,she would scold me...as she will be either busy with her magazines or busy with sleeping..whatever I did not have any chance there !!

So that was our relation..once she told me,If you were a little more older I could have told you many things..oh so that was the problem..for which I still not have a solution !! So I also decided since kunju is too old for me,I wont share anything even !!

Lets keep all these aside,and talk about our relation...In spite of all these,we really have a special bond and love between us..I know how much she loves me..once she got married and came to Dubai,none would ever know how much I missed her...on every special occasions I missed her alot..she is the one who used to dress me up,who used to tie my hair,who used to put mehendi on my hands...in short all my celebrations were ruined after her wedding..

Then I got my kunju back,when I got married and came to Dubai itself...now we do talk everyday,we do meet once in a while..and kunju is having penalty for ignoring me all those days :P she doesn't have any other option now other than to listen...either her kids or me would always disturb her..and for all the sleep she had in those good old days..she cant sleep now at all..what I admire most about kunju is her will power,her patience..she has got 4 kids now,who keep on disturbing her,still she manages to read alot..I owe her a lot...she has given me 4 diamonds,who call me chitta and who love me like she does...she has given me the best Brother in law who considers me as his own sister..in fact I never lost my kunju,in fact I got one more brother home!!

Can you imagine how it feels to have someone who can listen patiently to your stupid,silly chit chats..it means a lot..to have someone like that, and I am blessed to have my kunju,my pappa and my dada..for the same..Heaven help them !!

Kunjaaaa, you are my ears...I love you a lottt you mean a lot to me..am damn sure that I cant have any sister better than you..Happy Birthdayyyy Kunjaaaaa <3 <3 <3

My Thoughts...Finally !!

Though I named my blog Hashina's thoughts.. I guess I never shared my thoughts here..better for you..coz you wont ever understand my thoughts or you can never relate to it perhaps..or you wont even feel that these things are to be thought about :P

Its been a while,I wrote something not because nothing special happened in my life, life is indeed a procession of events..even I had many things which should have been shared n published here..but I guess somethings are better left unsaid!!

So, the latest news is that I am going for a vaccation..hold on.. I really doubt if its a vaccation..no its not ,not at all..I am having a great vaccation here in Dubai..am having so much fun here..so much time here for my own little things..and having so much time to be lazy !! But as soon as I land home, I would be busy I guess...have to tolerate many so called "relatives&neighbours" have to live up to many expectations..have to live many roles other than being a wife..have to be a daughter,a sister,an aunt,a daughter in law, sister in law..a neighbour,a friend,a classmate,college mate,batch mate..a student..oopssss and I have only a fortnight for all these roles !! it seems I am gonna have a tough time indeed..

But I should mention the love and care am gonna get back home too...its really admirable and I wont get it here for sure..so it can balance every other draw backs..being home :P

But Guess what...I am not at all excited about my trip :( am not at all happy to go home..I still wonder why..may be the freedom,the bliss I have here..or may be am afraid of the events coming up..I have my sister's hosue warming,my cousin's wedding,my husband's cousin's wedding then my cousin's engagement..College Alumni..and the worst part is that I love being there..but I dont want to face many of them :(

In my initial years here, I have always wanted to go home,wanted to spend more time back home,had so many nostalgic things to do..I didnt like Dubai at all..like any other NRI , I was also overwhelmed with so many feelings when the flight lands on the run way..you cant explain the feeling we have when the cabin crew announces the landing,the out side temperature etc..and then follows the mobile notification sounds..the welcome messages by the inumerable service providers back home..then the messages from our own Etisalat n Du..the number n contact details of UAE embassy etc etc then to see the excitement of our fellow passengers to take out the hand baggages,the duty free shop bags,which they bought at the last moment for their loved one's back home..its indeed a great feeling to be back home :-)

But I guess am more excited,when the flight lands back here in Dubai now !! I feel am home..whenever the flight lands on Dubai airport runway ! Still wondering when Dubai became my home,when the 2 bed room flat here became my world..when I got used to the extreme weather here..when I started to love to explore the food varities here..when I started to love the walk around the length n breadth of malls here...and most of all when I started to be proud to be a part of UAE !

Oh God.... how proirities and opinions change on time..I still cant stop wondering..what are the things here that keeps me happy..,that keeps me wanting to come back here..may be Dubai gave me a life of my own..may be I started living my own here..back home we are living not only our lives..but of many..we are sharing our lives back home..we are indeed a social animal back home...

And the ultimate truth is that I have become more SELFISH !! Though not a pleasant thing to be shared..its the fact..

Love,
Hash

one of my short stories written 6 years back !!

 

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ഓര്‍മ്മകള്‍ക്കപ്പുറത്ത്

അങ്ങനെ അവസാനം അമ്മായിയും എത്തി.കരഞ്ഞുകൊണ്ടാണ് പത്തായപ്പുരയിലേക്ക് കയറിയതുതന്നെ.ഞാനപ്പോള്‍ മേലെപറമ്പിലായിരുന്നു.ഉണ്ണിമാങ്ങകള്‍ വീഴാന്‍ തുടങ്ങിയിരിക്കുന്നു.പെറുക്കിക്കൊണ്ടു ചെന്നാല്‍ അമ്മിണിയമ്മ മുളകും ഉപ്പും ചേര്‍ത്ത് മുറിച്ചിട്ടു തരും,മീരക്കുഞ്ഞിന് എരിയാതിരിക്കന്‍ അല്പം എണ്ണയും ചേര്‍ക്കും.ഇനി അതുവേണ്ടെന്നു പറയണം.സ്റ്റേറ്റ്സില്‍ നിന്നു വന്നയുടനെ എനിക്ക് എരിവ് തീരെ പിടിക്കില്ലായിരുന്നു.ഇപ്പോള്‍ എരിവില്ലാതെ പറ്റില്ലെന്നായിരികുന്നു.കിട്ടിയ ഉണ്ണിമാങ്ങകളും പെറുക്കി പിന്നാമ്പുറത്തു ചെന്നപ്പോഴാണ് അമ്മായി വന്നത് അമ്മിണിയമ്മ പറഞ്ഞത്.

ഞാനങ്ങോട്ട് ചെല്ലുമ്പോള്‍ അമ്മയി എണ്ണിപ്പെറുക്കി കരയുന്നുണ്ടായിരുന്നു.5 ആങ്ങളമാരുണ്ടായിരുന്നിട്ടെന്താ.എന്‍റെ അച്ഛന് ഈ ഗതി വന്നല്ലോ എന്നും പറഞ്ഞ്.അമ്മായിയാണ് ഏറ്റവും ഇളയത്.എന്‍റെ അച്ഛന്‍ മൂത്തതും.അമ്മിണിയമ്മ പറഞ്ഞു.

സ്റ്റേറ്റ്സില്‍ നിന്നു വന്ന് ഒരാഴ്ച്ചക്കുള്ളില്‍ പപ്പക്കും മമ്മക്കും വിഷ്ണുവിനും മടുത്തു.അയ്യോ!ഏട്ടനെ പേരെടുത്ത് വിളിക്കന്‍ പാടില്ലെന്ന അമ്മിണിയമ്മ പറഞ്ഞത്.എന്‍റെ ഫ്രന്‍റ്സ് എല്ലാം അങ്ങനെയാണല്ലോ വിളിക്കുന്നത്!എനിക്ക് വെക്കേഷന്‍ ആയതുകൊണ്ട് ഇവിടെ നിര്‍ത്താമെന്ന് തീരുമാനിച്ച് അവര്‍ മടങ്ങി.മൂത്ത മകന്‍റെ പ്രതിനിധിയായി മകള്‍!

അവര്‍ മടങ്ങിയതിനു ശേഷം എന്നെ അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍ വിളിപ്പിച്ചു.എനിക്ക് പത്തായപുരയിലേക്ക് പോകുന്നതുതന്നെ ഇഷ്ടമില്ലായിരുന്നു.ആ കെട്ടിടം മുഴുവന്‍ കഷായത്തിന്‍റെയും മറ്റു പച്ചമരുന്നുകളുടെയും മണമാണ്.അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍റെ കട്ടിലിന്‍റെ കയ്യില്‍ തോര്‍ത്ത് മുണ്ട് ഉണ്ടാവും.അതില്‍ നിന്ന് ഒരു ലിറ്റര്‍ എണ്ണ പിഴിഞ്ഞെടുക്കാം!അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍ എന്നെ തിരിച്ചറിഞ്ഞു!അതിന് എന്നെ ആദ്യമായിട്ട് കാ‍ണുകയല്ലേ.ഞാനുണ്ടായതും വളര്‍ന്നതും സ്റ്റേറ്റ്സില്‍ അല്ലെ!അമ്മൂമ്മയുടെ പേരിട്ട പേരക്കിടാവിനെ ഇതുവരെ കാണാത്ത പേരക്കിടാവിനെ വിളിപ്പിച്ചെന്ന്!

അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍ അടുത്തു പിടിച്ചിരുത്തി,മുടിയില്‍ തഴുകി.എനിക്ക് അമ്മൂമ്മയുടെ കണ്ണുകള്‍ കിട്ടിയിട്ടുണ്ടെന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു,തിളങ്ങുന്ന കണ്ണുകള്‍.അമ്മൂമ്മക്ക് നല്ല മുടിയുണ്ടായിരുന്നെന്നും പക്ഷേ,എന്‍റെ മുടി ചെമ്പനാണ്.ബ്ലോണ്ട് ആണ് ട്രെന്‍റ്,പിന്നെ തോളൊപ്പമേ ഉള്ളുതാനും.അമ്മിണിയമ്മയോട് പറഞ്ഞു,കാച്ചെണ്ണ തേച്ച് കുളിപ്പിക്കണമെന്ന്!പതുക്കെപ്പതുക്കെ ഞാന്‍ അപ്പൂപ്പനുമായും ആ വീടുമായും അടുത്തു.

ഇവിടെ എന്തെല്ലാം മണങ്ങള്‍ ആണെന്നോ!മഴ പെയ്താല്‍ മണ്ണില്‍ നിന്നും പൊങ്ങുന്ന മണം.ഓരോ മഴക്കും വ്യത്യസ്ത മണമാണ്.കൊയ്ത്തു കഴിഞ്ഞ പാടത്തിന്‍റെ മണം,ചാണകം മെഴുകിയ മുറ്റത്തിന്‍റെ മണം,തുളസിത്തറയുടെ മണം,കാളയെ പൂടുമ്പോള്‍ വയലില്‍ നിന്നും പൊങ്ങുന്ന മണം,കുളത്തിലെ വെള്ളത്തിന്‍റെ,ആമ്പലിന്‍റെ മണം,പൂവാലിപ്പശു പുല്ലു തിന്നുമ്പോഴുള്ള മണം,കേശവേട്ടന്‍ തേങ്ങയിട്ട് ക്ഷീണിച്ച് വരുമ്പോള്‍ ഉണ്ടാകുന്ന കൊതുമ്പിന്‍റെയും മറ്റും പൊടി ഒട്ടിപ്പിടിച്ചിരിക്കുന്ന ദേഹത്തിന്‍റെ വിയര്‍പ്പു മണം....എന്തിന് അമ്മിണിയമ്മക്കുപോലും ഉണ്ട് ഒരു തരം ആകര്‍ഷിക്കുന്ന മണം.

ഞാനെല്ലാ ദിവസവും രാവിലെ എഴുന്നേറ്റ് കുളത്തില്‍ കുളിക്കാന്‍ പോകും.മാവില കൊണ്ട് പല്ല് തേക്കും.താളിയിട്ട് മെഴുക്ക് കളഞ്ഞ മുടി വിടര്‍ത്തിയിട്ട് രാവിലെ അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍റെ കൂടെ പാല്‍കഞ്ഞി കുടിക്കും...അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍ ഒരല്‍പ്പം ദശമൂലാരിഷ്ടവും തരും.ഉച്ചക്ക് നല്ല ഊണും.വാഴയിലയില്‍ വേണമെന്ന് അപ്പൂപ്പന് നിര്‍ബന്ധമാണ്.നല്ല മെഴുക്കുപുരട്ടിയും,സാമ്പാറും,അവിയലും,മുളക് കൊണ്ടാട്ടവും,പപ്പടവും.അപ്പൂപ്പനാണ് ഇലയില്‍ നിന്നു പായസം കുടിക്കന്‍ പഠിപ്പിച്ചത്.അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍റെ മുറിയുടെ മണം എനിക്ക് ഇഷ്ടമായി തുടങ്ങിയിരുന്നു.പതുക്കെ അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍ ആരോഗ്യം വീണ്ടെടുത്തു തുടങ്ങി.എനിക്ക് മലയാളം അക്ഷരങ്ങള്‍ പഠിപ്പിച്ചു തന്നു.എന്തൊരു ബുദ്ധിമുട്ടാണ് ‘അ‘ എന്നെഴുതാന്‍!മലയാളികളെ സമ്മതിക്കണം.റിയലി മലയാളം ഈസ് ഡിഫികല്‍ട്ട്.

അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍ ഉറങ്ങുന്ന സമയം മുഴുവന്‍ ഞാന്‍ പറമ്പിലായിരിക്കും.അമ്മിണിയമ്മയുടെ മകള്‍ പാര്‍വ്വതിയുടെയും മകന്‍ ഉണ്ണിയുടെയും കൂടെ.പാര്‍വ്വതി ശിവന്‍റെ ഭാര്യയാണത്രേ!ഈ വരുന്ന ശിവരാത്രിക്ക് എന്നെ ശിവന്‍റെ അമ്പലത്തില്‍ കൊണ്ടു പോകാമെന്ന് അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍ പറഞ്ഞു.സന്ധ്യക്ക് വിളക്ക് വെക്കണമെന്നും നാമം ജപിക്കണമെന്നും അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍ പറഞ്ഞു.രാമായണവും മഹാഭാരതവും എല്ലാം പറഞ്ഞുതന്നു.

അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍ ഇന്ത്യന്‍ റെയില്‍ വേയില്‍ സ്റ്റേഷന്‍ മാസ്റ്റ്ര്‍ ആയിരുന്നത്രേ!അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍ ജോലി ചെയ്ത സ്റ്റേഷനുകളെക്കുറിച്ചും ധാരാളം പറയാറുണ്ട്.ഹിമസാഗര്‍ അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍റെ പ്രിയപ്പെട്ട ട്രെയിന്‍ ആണത്രേ!അപ്പൂപ്പന് ചെറിയ ഗ്രാമപ്രദേശങ്ങളിലെ സ്റ്റേഷനുകളില്‍ ജോലി ചെയ്യന്‍ ആയിരുന്നത്രേ ഇഷ്ടം.റെയിലുകളില്‍ നിന്നും പ്ലാറ്റ്ഫോമുകളില്‍ നിന്നും പശുക്കളെയും ആട്ടിന്‍ പറ്റത്തേയും ഓടിക്കുകയായിരുന്നത്രേ പ്രധാന പണി!

അടുത്ത ദിവസം ഏട്ടന്‍ വരുന്നു....എന്നെ കൊണ്ടുപോകാന്‍.എനിക്ക് ക്ലാസ് തുടങ്ങുന്നു...അടുത്ത മാസം മുതല്‍...ഏട്ടന്‍ ശരിക്കും ഒരു അമേരിക്കക്കാരനായിരിക്കുന്നു.ഞാന്‍ കറുത്തു എന്നു പറഞ്ഞു.ഈ കറുപ്പിനും ഒരു ഭംഗിയില്ലേ!എന്‍റെ സില്‍ക്കി ബ്ലോണ്ട് ഹെയര്‍ ഇപ്പോള്‍ നല്ലവണ്ണം കറുത്തു തഴച്ചു വളര്‍ന്നിരിക്കുന്നു.എനിക്ക് ബ്ലോണ്ട് ഹെയര്‍ ആണത്രെ നല്ലത്.ഏയ്...ഇതിനും ഒരു ഭംഗിയുണ്ട്.അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍ ഇറങ്ങാന്‍നേരം കെട്ടിപ്പിടിച്ച് നെറ്റിയില്‍ ഒരു ഉമ്മ തന്നു.വായിക്കാന്‍ ഒരു കെട്ട് പുസ്ത്തകങ്ങളും....

ഇപ്പോള്‍ എനിക്ക് ഓരോ മാസവും അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍റെ എഴുത്ത് വരും.അതിന് തീവണ്ടിയുടെ താളമാണ്...മണ്ണിന്‍റെ ഗന്ധമാണ്.ഉണ്ണിമാങ്ങയുടെ രുചിയാണ്.അക്ഷരങ്ങള്‍ക്ക് അമ്മിണിയമ്മയുടെ ഭംഗിയുമാണ്....

അച്ഛനും,ചെറിയച്ഛന്മാരും മത്സരമാണ്...അപ്പൂപ്പനെ തങ്ങളുടെ കൂടെ കൊണ്ടു വരാന്‍...അപ്പോഴാണറിഞ്ഞത് അപ്പൂപ്പന് ഓര്‍മ്മ നഷ്ടപ്പെട്ടെന്ന്....അള്‍ഷിമേഴ്സ് ആണെന്ന്.എങ്ങോട്ടും വരാന്‍ കൂട്ടാക്കുന്നില്ലെന്ന്...

ഈ മാസവും എനിക്ക് എഴുത്ത് കിട്ടി.അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍റെ ഓര്‍മ്മകള്‍ക്കും അപ്പുറത്ത്...ഞാനുണ്ടെന്ന്...ഇനിയും ഒരുപാട് തീവണ്ടിക്കഥകള്‍ പറയാനുണ്ടെന്ന്...കൂട്ടിന് അമ്മൂമ്മയുടെ ഫോട്ടോയും കേശവേട്ടനും,അമ്മിണിയമ്മയും പൂവാലിപ്പശുവും ഇപ്പോള്‍....ഞാനും ഉണ്ടെന്ന്........

ഞാനും ഒരു മറുപടി അയച്ചു.മീരാമേനോന് യൂണിവേഴ്സിറ്റിയില്‍ നിന്നു പുരസ്കാരം ലഭിച്ചെന്നും ഞാനിപ്പോള്‍ കൂട്ടുകാര്‍ക്കിടയില്‍ ഒരു സ്റ്റാര്‍ ആണെന്നും.എന്‍റെ തീസിസ് പബ്ലിഷ് ചെയ്യാന്‍ പോകുന്നു...വിവിധ തരം ഗന്ധങ്ങള്‍,അത് ട്രാന്‍സ്ലേറ്റ് ചെയ്യാന്‍ എനിക്കാവില്ല....കാരണം അതിനിന്നും എന്‍റെ അപ്പൂപ്പന്‍റെ മണം നഷ്ടമായാലോ?!

-ഹാഷിന-

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